Out, Out Damn Spot - Hello Kitty Wanted For Questioning

Kimono-clad Hello Kitty holds her certificate received from Japan's Land, Infrastructure, Transport and Tourism Minister Tetsuzo Fuyushiba, left, at his office in Tokyo, Monday, May 19, 2008. Fuyushiba appointed the popular cartoon character as ambassador to welcome tourists from China and Hong Kong. Photo Credit: Koji Sasahara / AP

On the heels of yesterday’s announcement that Hello Kitty had been named Japan’s tourism ambassador to Hong Kong and China, allegations of involvement in an ongoing police investigation surfaced, but were quickly retracted. A source from Japan’s office of Land, Infrastructure, Transport and Tourism agreed to speak on condition of anonymity.

The source alleged that a crackdown on illegal labor practices involving sweatshops manufacturing the many products of the Hello Kitty empire had raised suspicions that, “Ms. Kitty was in this thing up to her whiskers.” However, further investigation put such speculation into doubt. After demonstrating remarkable poise in the face of such allegations, Hello Kitty, remained characteristically silent while freely cooperating with authorities and providing corroborating evidence for her attorney’s claims that she was not involved in such atrocities.

An attempt to verify the source’s information with police was rebuffed as the police will not comment on current investigations. A subsequent purse of incriminating documents was covertly left at this reporter’s desk, and although not as yet authenticated, further implicates Hello Kitty on corruption and racketeering charges. “That’s one felonious feline,” purred a high ranking official in the court, “but if you’re waiting for her to blink it’s never going to happen.”




[L-R] Hello Kitty's gal pal, Fifi;
purported missing friends, Cathy & Tiny Chum.

Rumor and conjecture are a seemingly daily bone of contention for international celebrities of Kitty’s and jet setting gal pal Fifi’s caliber. But the fur may start flying if any evidence links her to the mysterious disappearance of her close friends, Tiny Chum and Cathy. Although the close confidants and constant public companions of Hello Kitty have not been seen in nearly a week, authorities are reluctant to declare them officially missing persons. Grumblings among Kitty’s closest companions are the most provocative accusations being cast in her direction.

Surprisingly the most vocal has been Tippy, long-time hanger-on with a well publicized romantic interest in Ms. Hello. His own history of stalker-like behavior and substance abuse issues (two DUI in the past six months) has all but discredited his alarm but it is the shy avoidance of Hello’s other friends to come to her defense which has allowed the accusations to have some merit. Our anonymous source also indicated that the time of the sudden disappearances coincided too conveniently with the government’s decision to close the books on the working condition scandal and select Hello Kitty – a major financial contributor to the election coffers of many officials – to her role as ambassador to the very country in which the alleged misdeeds occurred.