Things To Do, Today - Forget to Breathe

Being of German descent it is the natural state for me to treasure misery and glory in despair. That being the case I should be the hap –hap –happiest man on the face of the earth. Today has just been another in too much reflection, introspection, and attention to minutia. I had three conversations which afforded me opportunity to try and fit my thoughts into manageable phrases and sound bites. The world is no longer a place interested in delving deeply into any topic other than celebrity gossip so in order to be marketable one must package themselves appropriately. The first intercourse allowed me to realize that the only reason I make any effort is not because of hope but because of despair. I simply refuse to admit defeat and give anyone the satisfaction. It is not that I have any real aspiration that something good awaits me if I persevere because the fixed constant in my Boolean argument is that the Universe wants to crush me; little sub-atomic particle powder, crush me. This is unfortunate for the Universe because in direct opposition to my annihilation is its desire to have me cognizant of the event.

I hate to lose. I don’t mean in some trite, “I’m going to sulk in the corner” hate to lose but as in abject rage and desire to do serious harm – hate. Since my birth it has been so. I was that kid that threw the game board across the room, tore the playing cards to shreds, and melted the tokens with the fire in my eyes. I am still that kid. Only a nod to civility has put that in check but occasionally I excuse myself and go scream obscenities to the Universe or look for something that “deserves” my wrath and pummel the living sh*t out of inanimate objects with my fists. There is satisfaction in destroying that which has the equal potential to destroy me. I am particularly fond of masonry or metal for sparring partners. Some mushy knuckles and an unrecognizable something later and I am at peace.

I hate games of chance. I dislike war only because I can’t control all of the variables. The weather would be certain to always change against me. The Universe has decreed it so. I hate office politics for the same reason. I like to win – I do not like games. Winning has nothing to do with me ceding power or authority away from anyone else. Winning is all about winning. Winning is succeeding. Losing is failing. I hate to lose so a quick look at the statistics is in order. What do you know – the game is rigged. I have NO wins, only a few draws (or, “successful failures”) and all the rest losses. I have achieved a remarkable measure of failure in my life. I know for I have remarked and re-shaped and marked many things over my long, unabated run. That was the focus of my second exchange, today. I have such a string of failures yet I simply have no impetus to give up. Surrender is never an option. While hugging the Universe’s pestle with my feet dangling precariously above the mortise I shout in defiance, “Is *THAT* the best you’ve got???” I really want to go out fighting. As I recently told my friend, Evan, I want to exit this life being vaporized. I want to be hurling through space at such a ferocious velocity that it shreds me into fibers. That would make my having lived all somehow worthwhile. I will not go down no matter how badly beaten. Kill me or I will never let you rest. All of those moronic stickers of “No Fear” and other childish nonsense are for pretenders. The truly fearless don’t have any need to call attention to the fight in which they are actively engaged. Fight to live. Fight for your life; then and only then come talk to me. I don’t know why but I’m still here. Is there a purpose in it? Will I achieve some heroic status? Not likely. I’ll be among the hundreds of thousands that have lived and fought and died that never got the attention of anyone in this world but the Universe had one hell of a time taking them down.

All of which brings us to the third of today’s conversations. I am no sage. I am no wizened authority. Whatever I am is still standing long after having a reason to stand so I must take stock of that uncrushable thing that is not clearly obvious or defined and stop trying to be pliable and compliant. The Universe knows I was never meant to conform but to reform and possibly transform. I am; in direct opposition to the forces of this world. For better or worse I am a force of some other invention and I must recon with myself and let others recon with the consequences. I am through trying to be less than myself to be seen as more by others. I will not stop being even if I stop breathing. What am I going to do about that? I must set my course and follow only one path. Hopefully there will be those walking in the same direction during the journey. I can’t sit by and expect them to wait for me and I can’t wait for anyone else.