we get to where we are by living the way we DO

I attended my friend’s wedding yesterday. It was terrific. The ceremony and most of the reception were outdoor events (located at different parts of the same venue) and the weather was nearly ideal. The first impression feel and ambience was “Happy.” I’d say that “Content” would better describe the mood. My friend was relaxed and smiling, the bride was the usual bundle of nervousness, anticipation, and excitement and she was beautiful. Not that she isn’t, usually, but she just had that glow a bride should. Despite my own less than ideal life I was honored and very glad to be a part of the lives of two people enjoying love and each other.

I got to see some friends and acquaintances I’ve not seen in a long time. It felt good to fit in and belong, again. I tried not to weigh people down with the details of being me when they asked about how I was and what I’d been up to lately. Some of it slipped out but only to a select few. I was deliberately not trying to dwell on me and fortunately with the great location, great couple, and wonderful guests I didn’t have time to think of me at all.

The thought that created this post was while I was preparing for the wedding. Brushing off a suit, polishing some shoes, and actually dressing as a reflection of my love and respect for my friends – both the bride and groom, had me reminiscing about the “me” I see before I look in a mirror. I used to prepare a suit on a regular basis. Now, I’ve worn that suit twice in a year; one funeral, one wedding. The man in the suit was and still is the image of me that is the most natural and real. The opportunity to be that person, again, is nowhere near any mirrors that I pass these days.

So the thoughts running through my mind about my friend’s long nightmare finally coming to an end and his loneliness being replaced by the love of a truly wonderful example of a woman had me contrasting where he and I took different paths. The conclusion that I came to was that it was not a matter of one having chosen better and the other making a mistake. The paths each of us took were certainly the correct ones for each of our situations.

I simply understood that we get to where we are by living the way we do. That may seem underwhelming and obvious but the truth is found where one places their focus. Living is doing. I have not put much effort into the “do” part in quite a while. So, even with my still wrestling with my understanding that if I am sincere in my convictions I must remain single for the remainder of my life my heart is not in it all the way. I am not living because I am not doing anything about that. I need to decide if I’m going to toss out the path of most resistance which would require me to find contentment only in my daily pursuits or if I am going to abandon myself to my passions and desires. Either way I need to do something – anything.

Even saying that . . . here I am. I’ll let you know if I ever do even a single thing about it.