No picture, or attempt to be too clever. It has obviously been a while since I have written anything to this blog. But here it is, O-dark-30 in the morning and I find myself in this place, and a place that I have not been in some time.
I have been accomplishing some things but practically nothing which I had mapped out nearly eight years ago. I had intended to slowly roll back into my desired profession, reestablish my fiscal credibility, and possibly some credibility as a human being. Perhaps I have made a little progress in the latter but not in the pivotal former part of the plan. I am essentially confined to my little apartment with no reliable transportation, no means, and no prospects. I do have several friends that try to substitute intent for reliability, and a few others that keep insisting on interjecting themselves into my day and forcing me to keep going. But I am extremely tired. I have not found that inner spark I was searching for to wish to begin again. That is the issue: I am at a place that requires starting over, and I do not want to do so. I will soon be fifty, and that would have been fine if I were wrestling with the struggles of a decade ago - because I had the life I wanted and did not mind the struggles. Now, however, I must start from a worse place than the beginning for I have a history that castigates and constricts me; and I must do so knowing my health has declined and my future self will only continue to decay. Every endeavor is met with opposition to me being allowed to be anything than the person who failed in every aspect of his adult life. In concert with that are the things I deny myself because the others are not in place.
So I am building a career from scratch and cannot get an interview or a job offer. I know exactly how I intend to correct my debt and credit issues to the penny - but no pennies are being collected from a paycheck. I need to secure a vehicle, register it, insure it, fuel it, and maintain it but I might just as well be planning a moon landing. I need to replace my stale credit with new activity but that is not possible, either. I need to be able to meet my own obligations and stop being a drain of other people's resources. These are just the basics before I even allow myself the luxury of romance and future dreams.
There are some who want to fix me, or at least want me to stay around. There are people concerned I will kill myself. I am dead already but I cannot convince anybody of that. After all, here I am in the middle of the night desperately alone, and frantic to have a companion, another voice and eyes from which to experience a world to which I am no longer privy. I am still called to offer that to others but there is never anyone available when I need it. I am truly appreciating the longings of the disenfranchised and how quickly one may become disconnected from all that is going on around them. I have many good friends but I am alone. I have no place anymore. I cannot simply change my venue when my thoughts overwhelm as they are doing now.
I am so deeply sad and miserable and people wishing me well and offering hopeful platitudes drive a stake into my heart and pin me to the earth I so desperately want to crawl from if I cannot run away from it. I am so frustrated and disheartened that I am just angry and want to tear off my own skin. There needs to be something more but this world has nothing to offer me. The cruelest irony of all is that nothing is what I seek and cannot obtain, so I must exist despite not wanting to be. I don't want to kill myself - I want to live but I am not entitled, apparently.
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