Thread Bare - Is It Time?

I intended to write about my feelings, yesterday, but was too close to the moment. I had simply watched a relatively sophomoric movie that tried to encapsulate all the misfitting pieces of the sexes. It actually did a pretty decent job and although it became a bit pandering and leaned too far into the realm of “chick flickdom,” nevertheless it held some nuggets to extract.

Mostly, it caused me to let my guard down and fall into that sleep that romantic notions always induce. It made me consider the possibilities if I allowed for a woman to be in my life in any capacity beyond conversation. As a recovering romantic, it was too many swallows when I should have never taken the first sip. The problem with being a man is that women look good, they sound good, they smell good, they taste good and they feel good. Some women (I’ll even allow they number in the majority) even try to be good. That is the problem; humans trying to be good. We put so much hope and anticipation into something that is a magnificent notion but impossible to apprehend. I was once more lulled into the dream and when I awoke from it I felt the loss of the rest and peace it had promised.

I have known nice women. I have known kind women. I have known all sorts of women but I have also known the core creature. I was never ignorant of the tremendous pain their absence could inflict and have often experienced it in their presence. That has never deterred me. I have always approached finding love with not only my eyes wide open but also my heart. As a young man seeking out a match and counterpoint to myself I was unencumbered and willing to contort myself to fit the objects of desire that crossed my path. That may have been an exciting adventure and a stimulating wealth of experiences but I lost myself along the way. When I married, I married very well. I married a woman of character and strength and intellect and beauty and purpose. I also married a very damaged and fragmented person. I have absolutely no regrets. I would marry her again and again and again. But she married a lost soul. She married a mirage. She was the first to see it and I didn’t live in denial but was actually so far removed from my true self that I could not see it. I suppose to a great extent I was a parasite, sucking the life out of her to propagate the illusion I had of a life of my own. Because I had lost myself in the journey to find a mate I lost her, too.

It has been over five years since she left me but I have yet to fully leave her. I have tried to reclaim myself as it is superior in every way to redefining me. I am anxious to relocate myself, as well. Several years ago in the middle of an otherwise frivolous conversation I blurted out that I never wanted to inflict me on another woman. I was startled by my own words and have mostly adhered to their conviction to this day. Some things have become clear. I recognized that no amount of contorting me or remaking me or redefining me would win her back; or produce a positive result for me alone or in tandem with a new love. There are simply parts of my being that are who I am. I am powerless to change them and only moderately successful at restraining them. All assume they can be their own savior, or if not, that a lover will fill that job description. I tried very much to not look to women as my salvation and I did not portend to be theirs. However, I have succumbed in small and even large ways to the allure of letting a woman complete me, revive me or revise me. My past does not haunt me but has placed me where I am this day. My present does not define me but has left me without a step to trace or a sense of direction. I do not dwell on her or all I have felt as lost even though my conversations would contradict that on the surface. I am really involved in my current struggle to establish a stable and prosperous place for me. What I am about is being wholly me in order to have something to contribute in a relationship.

There are many that insist I am hiding and have a fear of intimacy. What I actually fear is that I have no capacity for intimacy. I am aware that my interests in women are not all that deep. I am a far better man as a friend than I have ever been as a significant other. In actuality I have been too successful at being the insignificant other. I have complex passions but simple needs. I do not allow myself great expectations yet set lofty demands on my person. I am aware of a great many things. I am keen to my own contradictory behaviors. I have developed quite a reliable façade that manages to keep most at bay. There are always those persistent creatures, however, that ply into my life and ignore my saber rattling and all of my fortifications. I have a precious cadre of men and women that refuse to allow me to exclude them or push them out of my life. I love them all and am grateful for them.

I am also aware that I need new encounters to replace stale memories. I am not a person that desires to relive or regret the past. I have enjoyed being me through almost all of the stages and changes. Usually I only look back with fondness (while bitching and complaining in the present). I am very much unhappy with the current situation and do a tremendous amount of bellyaching. Still, I am not without anticipation and hope and I always make plans. Sadly, so many recent plans have been still-born. For too long I have been suppressed in addition to being depressed. I have also digressed and failed to impress. Not the foundation for a stellar performance. But there are a few odd sparks in the ashes and embers of my desires. None burn very hot and barely any radiate much light. I am not anywhere near the dynamic and energized force of nature I was as a single man or visionary rebel. I have an image in my mind that I am currently still being delivered deadly blows although I am stooped on one knee trying to shake off the daze. The one thing I do know is that I will only stay down if someone can finish the job and kill me. Otherwise I will get back on my feet and one day unclench these fists and teeth. In preparation for that defiant stance I am trying to make allowance to find a lover. All of this is still very sketchy as the hell fires by which I am being pummeled have produced a fog over my vistas. Finally, I have longings once again. I am very cautious at this juncture because I do not want to turn on the charm but inflict harm. The thing that distinguished my love for my wife from all other encounters was that I had arrived at a place of maturity in one significant region when we met. I saw her for all that she was not just as much as for what she was. In that realization I discovered I was excited about what I could do for her and not what she could offer me. The intent and the nobility of my gesture were sincere. My execution could not have promised more and delivered any less. I do not want to be that ineffectual in my next found love. I would love to boldly state I have learned from my mistakes but I have “living disabilities.”

So from all of this structure and all of this need to explain my ruminations on the idea of loving once again; what can it possibly have to do with the longings induced by a romantic movie? I am not looking for pacification. I am not looking for a topical application of sex or warm fuzzy feelings and walks on the beach. I need to have it all. I cannot have what I crave in bits and pieces. I want it all assembled and not artificially sweetened. I question my ability to be intimate. I question the ability of a woman to be intimate, too. There is a thing inside the feminine soul that measures a lie as a shield against the pain of the truth. That is not good enough for me. There is a switch inside the feminine psyche that can erase all initial intentions and forget she ever claimed fidelity, loyalty, passion and affection. That is entirely unacceptable. That sets off alarm bells that I cannot trust. I can trust. I would not ever be hurt if I could not trust. Betrayal, not trust – is what I cannot do. I cannot be anesthetized by seduction to accept betrayal. I have found that relationships become a list of demands or a wasteland of compromise. Compliance replaces compassion. Passive surrender supplants active submission of both to each other. I have intimacy issues. I feel a liar and a thief because making love means so much to me. This has become such a problem that I have not dated and certainly have not copulated in over six years. Now, I do not even look at women. It started with not being able to look my lover in the eyes for fear of the rejection I would find there. The empty space between us made me hollow. The act of making love made me shallow.

There is a whole lot of ground to be recovered for me to be intimate once more. But all that it would take is the genuine acceptance of one woman. I only want one. I am not greedy but I am selfish. I do not want to be considered tolerable or accommodated conditionally. I will not be good enough until something better comes along. I do not treat others that way and will not excuse it from a woman that professes her love and devotion to me. Co-dependent? You had better believe it. The greatest love is a complete dependence on giving oneself entirely without reservation and it is completely dependent on reciprocal action. I have wants and needs and desires and passions that are requirements – not suggestions. Anything less and I will be less.

I am absurdly romantic in my heart of hearts. I am merely absurd in my day-to-day attempts to be productive and useful. I have always resented any idea that strips a man of the ability to be complete in and of himself. I have actually been angered when the suggestion that a man is only as good as the woman in his life seemed valid. It has always been a slap in my face and an attack on my dignity. It has not escaped me that we often respond with rage when we are defenseless. I have pushed women away from me on nothing more than vulnerability at the slightest hint there is truth in the fact that a man needs a woman. Well. I do. As ashamed as I am to admit that, I need a woman as I am incapable of making it on my own. It crushes me to write the words. I can be strong for others but I am weak and helpless if it is for my own benefit. I despise being used by women. I despise being manipulated. I resent the dismissive idea that a man is a slave to his sex drive or lesser for it. I loathe any look of disdain or disgust a woman casts toward me. But one word or look or touch of reassurance from a woman and I am invincible. I am nearly alright with this. Allow some room for me to retract that last statement and withdraw, though, should any woman approach me with any love in her voice or eyes. Those damn eyes. How I love to look into her soul through them but shudder at the man they reflect back to me. It is far safer for me to create turbulent storms and raging flashes of lightning in a woman’s eyes than to let those tranquil pools drown me in the depths and undercurrents. I have been pierced too many times and the wounds have never sealed.

So where does this leave me? I am too attracted by women to keep a safe distance. Despite the soul-wrenching, twisting and draining aspects of false women there remains the hope of the life sustaining feast of the true woman. Sometimes I am almost persuaded I simply need release and any woman would do. That moment of desperation is so quickly removed by the knowledge that spilling myself into her may leave me more empty than satiated. And, although I will not use a woman for my pleasure I too often use them all for my amusement. Despicable; a detestable thing. It is all about the healthy place I need to achieve to look any woman in the eyes and to let them see me all the way through. Then I want to find myself free to love and to express it better than I ever have before. I want to be so far beyond a staring contest. There is always the need for a man to rescue a damsel in distress. But, I am in distress and in need of a damsel. What I long for is someone that will hold my gaze as I hold her in my arms and always hold me with the same desire between her legs. Then I will be able to let go of my pain and hold on.

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Out, Out Damn Spot - Frankenstein's Ball

In the several weeks which have passed between posts I have been pleasantly surprised that concerned lurkers of my blog have written to me to inquire as to my well being. It now occurs to me that perhaps they sense danger or other need for caution which I have not picked up on while completely absorbed in a forum I practically have built my life around.

The fascination has been easily attributed to the excitement of some real social interaction despite no face-to-face or even voice-to-voice conversation. That was of little practical concern because the stimulating part has been the real-time give and take of the dialog. And . . . the random number of simultaneous conversations and posts makes for a very engaging atmosphere. Each participant is there to escape. For most the escape is from the monotony or avoidance of work. For others it is to reach out beyond loneliness, frustration, or isolation. Some simply enjoy being entertained. All are fine reasons and it really has become an addictive behavior for so many of the members. Unfortunately for me it has been an escape from reality.

If you are familiar with the concept of finger cuffs you will follow my analogy easily. My life has been continuing to become ever more constricted and the more I struggle and fight to free myself from the restraints the tighter and more desperate I have become. On the few occasions where from exhaustion or simply pausing to reevaluate and assess my lot I have simply yielded or stopped struggling all together the “hold” on my ambitions has relaxed. Likewise, the more I try to distance myself from my constraints the tighter they have become; while, if I face and draw nearer to the center of my entanglements the strictures slacken. I have realized this in every aspect of my life save one. The only area where I am still too wounded or conflicted and just have no resolution for the “what and the why” is the notion of dating, again. That’s where my escape through the forum I’m obsessed with has finally become apparent.

I have made the acquaintance of several women through this blog and an argument over a television show and through participation in the forum to which I will only elude. The first of these women reads my mind through the vaguest of comments, decrypts my veiled and cloaked thoughts, and puts them on display to me in her very next response. I am no longer going to bother “hiding” anything from her as it is simply impossible. She is also very much like me in her values and judgments and gives me no quarter for denial but somehow allows me more freedom than I permit myself. She has been encouraging me to find a real, in the flesh, tangible woman somewhere in close proximity to my own back yard. Another is always wondering why I am so willing to tell her nearly anything which comes into my mind and is always poorly arguing that I have misjudged her and given her more heart and soul than she possesses. She is wrong about this – and probably the only thing that she has ever actually been wrong about. Intellectually, she not only challenges me but would likely crush me. A third reminds me of when I felt alive and her vibrancy is refreshing. She has a host of interests and ventures underway that are the stuff I have always dreamed I would find in a woman to share my days with. I am not one to look for things I have in common and with her I do not have to as it seems to be an endless list already exists. She fills my longing to be with Audrey Hepburn. I’d always imagined sitting across a small breakfast table with a woman just like this for as long as I can remember. Then there are a host of vulnerable and sensitive and innocent ones that worry about my health and happiness and fawn all over me. It has been far too long since I have experienced any of that. And, there is even a contingent that is concerned about my body and more importantly its relation to their own. One, in particular has given her unconditional affirmation, affection and acceptance to me. That it has been in intent and not actually is of no consequence. In point of fact, it has made it all the more wonderful.

So what is the problem and where is the escape? I have reversed the story of Frankenstein and made a bride from the composite elements of about a dozen women. Assembled from the minds, and hearts, and souls, and appearance of all of these women is my collective virtual dream girl. They reach out to me and tease, and flirt, and nurture, and scold, and do all the attention feeding things I am so hungry to experience without any of the pain of day to day conflicts, misunderstandings, or responsibilities, or obligations. They are “on demand.” At the click of a button I have them to cherish and when I shift focus or interest I can click another button and they’re gone. This is not healthy.

Now, I am by no means insincere or disingenuous with any of them. I love these women (platonically) and cherish each and every one of them individually. But, my God I am such an attention whore that I need all of them and more. It is really a tiring addiction.
The things which I speak to them about and the flattery and encouragement I try to give them is without any ulterior motives and I am concerned for and about them all. I really try to give them honest praise and bolster their confidence and self-esteem. We are all involved in a dance of wanting to trust and be appreciated by the opposite sex. The problem for me is I am not prepared for when the music stops. I am not going to make the transition smoothly from virtual to real. So, when the band takes a break or everyone else goes home then you may be sure I will be found here more regularly - and although I would hope to be wrong about this – worse off than I was before.

Am I a misunderstood monster of misfit pieces and better off having been left dead rather than revived? My remains are yet to be seen.

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Male Bashing – The International Sport

One of the many snappy quips in Oscar Wilde’s, “Lady Windermere's Fan,” was a statement made by an elderly gentlemen in reply to the accusation that it is the behavior of men that causes women to mistrust each other. His remark was, “Women don’t trust women. Men don’t trust women. It is what binds the Catholic and the Hindu, together.”

One of the unexpected pleasures of researching that quote was all of the interpretation it has been given by women who have simply brushed it aside and explained it away as the misogynistic ramblings of a man without perspective. How those women wish that were true. In point of fact women are not trustworthy. Now, during this high season of celebrating every nuance of women without apology or acknowledgment that woman is FLAWED should only be expected when at the same time men are regarded as unnecessary or at best are incorrect in all their imaginations. The least valid source of honest evaluation is found by going to that being sampled and inquiring its opinion of itself. Yet, for women, that is exactly what is being done. Never mind that nearly half of the population is not female and has likely had enough involvement with the creature to have drawn some measurable conclusions. While the world party continues for the celebration and deification of woman it is time to say enough already.

If you want my respect try earning it. I’ve not seen a lot to recommend women anywhere near as highly as they regard themselves. And let’s get a few of your general conclusions out of the way. I am not afraid of you. I am not intimidated by you. I am not made insecure by your success. I am not lost and without a defined place in this world because you have trampled under my precious patriarchal values. Most importantly - I am not fooled. If you want to be treated like a man I will beat you down like any other man that steps out of line. That you want to have your cake and eat it, too, by asserting rights when they accommodate you and cry unfair when they don’t is something you’re going to have to relinquish. Maybe when we were children and were told to “let the girl win” it was different. Few of you have changed your ways – you still cheat and expect it to go unnoticed. You still expect your mistakes forgiven and another free chance. I dare you to reciprocate.

Behind all of the empowerment bravado is a lack of confidence and an unaddressed fear. The cold-hearted, I mean business woman is a sham. I have offered the challenge before and offer it, again, here. If you really have something better and different to offer in place of how men conduct themselves why not show me that instead of the practiced deceit and subterfuge? None of you are honestly trying to prove anything to men. You are trying to convince yourself that whatever you are pursuing with cut-throat ambition will validate you and prove your worth. Meanwhile you trample and haphazardly discard everything in your path leaving a wake of needlessly damaged people and experiences. When that academic, or career, or political goal is reached what else will you have to offer? What are you wildly slashing to ribbons as you try to slay your own demons? So write off what I say and continue to insist that I’m just another man that either doesn’t understand or doesn’t want you to succeed. I would like to give you more credit than your being that shallow and self serving. If you think the world was a bad place, before, you had better consider what would happen if men turn enemy rather than make allowances for your collective behavior.

There are a few of you out there that have a better focus and a firmer grip on reality. I have been made to shut-up by a few extremely reasoned and articulate female voices somehow able to be heard over the din of the chaos otherwise surrounding. I will not give their names but I have asked their permission to share their thoughts. I will try not to take their comments out of context and give you their insights. If I knew more women such as these I would find better ways to spend my time than taking on this insanity. I will offer this: I have shown their comments to other men without introduction or explanation and to the man their response was, “Wow. Where did you find honest women? They really get it.. I would love to know a woman like that who doesn’t play games.”

I will end with the actual words of actual women.

The first thought was in response to me suggesting “[When] women fail to recognize the feminine as strength they are so cheated."

“I'd say that's very true. There is power in femininity but most women fail to recognize it thinking that different automatically means weaker.”

“The Psychology of Gender class was the most obnoxious class I took in my entire college course experiences. Instead of a fair analysis of genders and how they develop it was a slam on men, male bias, abortion promotion, and basically a treatise on how to wipe out the differences in men and women. Why? That's one of the most offensive goals I've encountered. Celebrate the differences. I'm more than happy to teach my hoped-for future children that men are big and strong and women are soft and squishy and that having intelligence and thoughtfulness can be the purview of either. The fact remains that many women think they want to become men and they want to stomp their men into submissiveness. Then they lament the results.”

Other thoughts –

“I am not an emotive person . . . Needless to say it didn't work out. He thought I was cold and distant and loved my work more than him. Sadly enough it might have been true. I was more of a workaholic then than I am now.”

“There are days when I feel like I'd like to be in a relationship, again. I miss knowing that I would have plans on a weekend, if I felt like it, and always knowing where to sit at a table of friends and the little bits of a relationship that are more about belonging and being comfortable than anything else. There is very little outside pressure, besides a mother who wants grandchildren (and I'm' young, I'm not having kids anytime soon, if ever!). I also think that I'm at an age where I'm very selfish, I hate being tied down to anything. I love traveling and I like the idea that I could pack up and go tomorrow if I want to, without worrying about anyone else. People find that attractive in the short term, but in fact I am very difficult to live with!”

“My view on relationships, with all of my vast experience, is that if the right person comes along I'd be very happy, but if not - I'm also happy. I have a lot of personal issues to sort out, and that's a lot easier to do on my own. I'd like to be happy and comfortable with myself and sort the little things out before I complicate matters by bringing other people into everything. I am a firm believer in relationships being a part of life, but not your whole life. You have to be a complete person on your own. A partner should complement you, not complete you. You have to do that yourself first.”

“As much as it is nothing personal from your side I really do hope that I can help you to forgive women a little bit. My reasoning for this is as follows: most women are manipulative and mess with people's heads to get what they want. But a lot of that is not because they hate men. A large part of it is that we (particularly my generation) have been raised to believe that we can do everything we set our minds to, so in essence, No we don't need men. And so we're forced to stand alone and cope with everything life throws our way because we're expected to right all the 'injustices' of the past. Feminism has long since passed equality, and is focused on the superiority of women over men. That is as narrow-minded and prejudiced as all the pre-feminist ideas! So yes, women can be nasty and make men feel as if they aren't needed. But if you look into it you may find that that stems from women battling to cope with everything expected of them - if there comes an occasion when she can make a man feel like he's not needed, it means that she's accomplishing what is expected of her - on some level, anyway!

Humans are totally messed up.”

“I remember a woman who always used the quote, "We should be strong enough on the inside that we can be gentle on the outside." As much as I found it intensely irritating and clichéd, I seem to be thinking about it a lot!”

“I think women know what they really want. In some cases it's independence and a career, but not always, and not only! The problem is that the world still sees things like cooking, housekeeping and childrearing as 'women's work" - I'm not blaming men for it, it's as much as women taking on responsibilities that we've been trained for. A little while ago I went to visit my father, where I automatically shopped, cooked, and generally looked after him, while still having meetings and other business both personal and professional. It's seen as special when a guy cooks a meal, and not a regular occurrence. So basically, women are faced with a huge dilemma - we can be lonely and independent, which is often the easy option, or can we balance a career and a family with all of the responsibilities of both.”

“You also get women who get married and stop working and become devoted housewives and mothers. I've met a lot of them, they put their own pursuits on hold . . . And as much as I don't understand it at all, I can see that they're really happy. But seriously, women aren't as cold-hearted and calculating as we seem - most women, anyway!”

“Women are scared to admit it, but deep down, we all really want a big strong guy to protect us and have deep emotional insight, of course. But primary to all the companionship and repartee and everything else, a girl just wants to feel safe and secure, and wanted.”

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Laundry Day - No. 1

There are some posts that just don't match or fit the regular format of this blog. So, just like laundry day, when you can't find a matching pair of socks and the sniff test confirms you have nothing fresh to wear, you put on whatever and start sorting what you've got.

I'll be a whole lot more inspired when the bots start picking up this blog and (hopefully) I'll be invigorated by reader responses to make it worth checking out. But until that day comes I'll start mixing things up a bit. I imagine we'll see more stuff like this laundry day post as this blog develops.

So far the T-shirt entries have been a bit of an emptying of my spleen and have been a little dark and much about the same subject. That's fine. I'm not apologizing because I am sorting things out.

Just like getting dressed each day it's easy to become predictable and get in a rut. Since the day-to-day has been without much variety then so have my blog thoughts. But that's not everything going on or all that's in my head. My personality doesn't change depending on the company I keep. I'm not a social chameleon but I am not getting very much stimuli from my environment and I'm having very little inter-personal interaction. I feel like a plant locked in a dark closet. I'm definitely not thriving.

Nonetheless, I have been happy (though miserable) that I am coming to terms with some things. I've had some satisfaction that I'm not hiding from reality and that I have some fundamental choices to make. I'm not in a position to enjoy a relationship so I've been deliberately invisible to the women I meet. It wouldn't be fair to involve myself since I can only offer a friendship without benefits. Men and women really can not pull that sort of understanding off. And even though I love spending time with women and find the experience rewarding it would be like being a gambling addict and visiting Las Vegas "just for the atmosphere" if I engaged any women in conversation. Staying away is difficult. Staying on track would be impossible if I capitulated. So instead I sleep less and complain more. This insomnia is nothing to be warm and fuzzy about, either. Instead of being in love and sleep deprived because I'm unable to get enough of that special someone's company the only company I'm keeping is with my own musings.

So imagine my surprise, that yesterday while absentmindedly playing Spider with not a thought about anything in the world, a song and lyric just fell right out of my head. I've been dry for quite a few years on the creative front. Lately, this blog has begun to pique my interest in writing a novel, but I've been unable to come up with a plot and story line to begin that process and nothing else has been very inspiring, either.

Out popped a song. And just like all of those Christmas songs, that get written in July, this song has no correlation to my thoughts or feelings at this time. It seems very interesting to explore where my conscious and subconscious have stopped speaking to each other.

Again, I really do like women. Not just the fun parts but the whole chaotic jumble of fuzzy logic associated with the critters. You'd just never guess that from stuff like this blog; or, this song I've composed:

Walk on - © copyright ADDhole, 2008

Stop to look, Son, But then keep walkin' on
You're better off alone before she leaves you alone
You're better off gone before she leads you on

Her skin is soft but her heart is stone
Your best days with her will be worse before long
Walk on, Son, in fact I think you better run

Walk on

I know she looks like she's worth her weight in gold
She'll cost you more than that - Take what you've got then steal your soul
Keep walkin' on - go on
While you're empty but whole

The way you look at me, Son, like I must be mad
I used to believe like you with everything I had
That a woman looks too good to ever be somethin' bad

While she's lying there - her hair falling all around
Her words will lie, too, while the tears fall down
She'll play you for a fool till she lays you in the ground

Walk On

I know she looks like she'll be there to have and hold
She may even promise that - Inside of her you'll be made whole
Keep walkin' on - go on
There's nothing there but just a hole

Walk on, Son, in fact I think you better run

OK, Then . . . What Do I Think This Means?
Well after evaluating the prose and patting myself on the back for the multi-faceted depth of the content I was at a true loss for explaining why those thoughts and why, "Now." But, then I decided I should cleanse the palette with a "Chick Flick" and watched "A Good Woman," starring Helen Hunt, Scarlett Johansson and Tom Wilkinson, in particular. Based on a work of Oscar Wilde's, I was so pleased with the humanity and well developed story and characters. I had never heard any of the reviews or any comments regarding this movie and I loved it. And only then did it hit me about what I have been spewing out so many words and wrestling with is an idea I have never associated with women before. I am now coming to terms with the notion that I need to accept it. That notion is that women can not be trusted but I should be able to accept that , be mindful of that; but not allow that to interfere with my relations to women.

Up until now I have held out this belief and hope that there is a distinct sect of women that are pure and virtuous creatures in whom to vest my blind faith and trust. I made the false assumption that I could associate with this pristine sample and discard the rest. But I finally recognize that there is no such animal and I need to come to terms with accepting the flawed as an alternative to abandoning them altogether. In other words, I should stop being surprised that women will hurt, will dissapoint and will fail me. The guy who always congratulated himself on not idolizing women has in fact idealized them. No wonder I am frustrated. Perhaps, I will acclimate to this new discovery and find some solace? I do not know. I now can look with the same desire for accurate assessment with which I have always sought to measure female behavior but not expect to see it improve. Sad but somehow helpful.

Well, that's what's spilled out of this pile of dirty laundry so far.

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There's Something In My Ire

I am going to barely contain the swearing that wants to surge from my rage from my reaction to an article I read only moments ago. This will be my first instance of a post that deliberately piggybacks an earlier entry. Excuse me; I am pausing until I come back to a simmer from a rolling boil.

In my posting, “Women SUCK – You’d think THAT would be a GOOD thing,” I highlighted instances of the feminine compulsion to control and manipulate men. A friend of mine found no fault with my thesis but argued that my tone softened as the narrative unfolded. He also rightly observed that this is the natural flow for men – we express what really offends us but try to reign in the emotion and consign our outrage to the constraints of reason. It is necessary for the preservation of the species. To not allow for the infuriating and contrary nature of women would ensure violence or extinction. Some men opt to forego the strictures of polite society and actually do physically express their inner turmoil in grappling with the necessity of allowing women to be what women choose to be. A great many men compartmentalize their feelings (and consequently women) to effect an approximation of tolerance while other men take the least tumultuous course of action and withdraw as far from the pain as practicable and avoid interaction whenever possible.

Since violence towards women is still distasteful to me (on the majority of occasions) and trying to understand and cooperatively interact with women is still a beautiful, although recognizably unobtainable dream, I am faced with defining my navigation in these turbulent waters at an agonizingly slow pace. While on my quest for the perfect gender- balanced land of Atlantis I drift back and forth between two shores – between the craggy, compartmentalized, utilitarian coastline and the barren desert island that would result from avoiding women altogether. But every now and again I encounter the eddy currents of a woman with no fear of recrimination for dashing men on the hostile juts of her cold, stone heart. So today I bring you the soul-less musings of a practiced control freak, Elise Nersesian. Ms. Neresian submitted this particular article to Happen magazine (www.happenmag.com) which then ascribed to it the misnomer of a “courtesy” passed on to me as I was assaulted by it upon reading my email. She has also written for Redbook, Stuff and other publications according to the byline. I will quote to you the entire piece as I do not wish to be accused of taking any of it out of context. I will highlight particularly galling excerpts, however.

“Your Man’s Mood Swings - By Elise Nersesian

Trying to figure out the best time to broach a touchy topic, ask your guy a favor or convince him to do something you know he’ll dread? Well, it’s easier than you think if you learn how to tune in to his body clock, says Gabrielle Lichterman, founder of Hormonology.info and co-author of 28 Days: What Your Cycle Reveals About Your Love Life, Moods, and Potential. While women, we all know, experience hormone-induced mood swings on a monthly basis, Lichterman attests that men, too, are affected by hormonal highs and lows—only their levels fluctuate daily. Want to get his hormones working for you? Read on.

If you need his help moving, fighting, or fixing something…
Ask: from 9-12 a.m.
It should come as no surprise that guys wake up bursting with testosterone. And aside from the obvious frisky factor, this surge in hormones makes him ambitious and determined, says Lichterman. This is the perfect time to ask him for a favor, particularly one that makes him feel like Mr. Fix-It. Buying a car? Indulge his competitive streak, and drag him along to help you haggle with the salesman and score a great deal. Or, cash in on his peak in spatial thinking and ask him to move your couch, or measure your closet space. He’ll feel heroic, and you’ll reap the benefits.

If you want to get him to agree to your plans…
Ask: from 3-4 p.m.
Trying to convince him to sign up for ballroom dancing lessons, commit to your new book club or otherwise agree to do something that would normally send men screaming in the opposite direction? Then this late-afternoon window is the perfect opportunity, says Lichterman, since his super-low testosterone levels will make him mellow and amenable to pretty much anything you throw on the table.

If you want to broach a touchy topic…
Ask: from 8-10 p.m.
At this hour, another hormone called oxytocin — a.k.a. the “cuddle hormone” due to its intimacy-inducing effects — is on the rise in his bloodstream, says Lichterman. That means this is a prime time to resolve a lingering spat (“It hurt my feelings when you didn’t call today”) or get a grievance off your chest (“Will you please shave your goatee?”). You’ll probably get met with nothing but a sincere apology and the promise to change his ways. Sure, his sweetness may be as much due to timing as a true desire to please, but hey, who cares as long as your wish is his command?”

Wow . . .

This article really should have been titled, “Empowering Your Inner Sociopath - Learning to Control His Psychopathic Tendencies.” It may surprise you that I actually agree with her fundamental argument. However, she left out one important time segment.

Don’t Ask: from 5-7 a.m.
This is the period of heightened sensitivity of senses and reasoning ability – which is when I read this provocative article. My olfactory system was acutely sensitized to this offensive cowshit and my mind reeled with the blatant assertions that a man’s biology explains all of his behavior and should be used against him. In yet another hypocritical act, a woman is advising others of her gender to pull an option right out of the “Insensitive, Dumb-ass, Man’s” playbook. If a man even suggests that a woman’s hormones have anything to do with her behavior or decision making processes he had better run for his life as he will find no amnesty.

The mention of hormone cycles was also evaluated under a very soft light. Ms. Nersesian’s claims are a reiteration of another woman’s theory that a woman is predictably stable over a sweeping phase that requires 28 days but a man is a highly volatile and unpredictable creature changing by the hour. This is the equivalent of claiming that the sky is green and the grass is blue. She has inverted reality with a reference to Gabrielle Lichterman’s non-doctoral thesis in a single sentence. That means I have license to counter just as succinctly.

Not only are women identified by their constant state of variableness but it is the very fact their behavior is so unpredictable that women may rightly argue that where they are in their cycle has no bearing on their current deportment. Meanwhile, it is in fact the very constancy of a man’s behavior that makes the need for an article such as this one attempting to manipulate him and change his behavior seem significant. It is because men are predictable that women complain about us being “set in our ways,” or as being inflexible and unyielding. Women want to have variety and not be “stuck in a rut” and then they look at their guy and he’s “a stick in the mud,” right?

So what this article is really trying to achieve is to find some new spin on the old problem of a woman getting what she wants. If someone dangles the carrot that men are actually flexible – it’s just a matter of timing – then there’s renewed hope of manipulating a man and bending him to your will even if it’s only temporarily. Am I making this up? Go back and read the first paragraph of her article, again. A woman’s hormone cycle needs to be viewed as a tool for empowerment while a man’s cycle should be used to plan your calendar so he will work for you to get what you want. Manipulative, and completely dismissive of a man’s opinion or whether his negative position toward your ambitions may have sound judgment to support his reluctance; But, what the hell? According to the article, “Sure, his sweetness may be as much due to timing as a true desire to please, but hey, who cares as long as your wish is his command?”

Why This Bothers Me So Much
Her attitude of getting what she wants no matter what is what burned my biscuit to a cinder. You certainly know not to allow children such leeway because they are not able to make reasonable choices. What makes us believe an adult is anything more than a child with more means to get their way? This kind of thing never used to bother me until it cost me nearly everything by subscribing to being compliant. I bought into the notion that being the guy that stood on principle and dug in my heels was some form of cruelty to the woman in my life. What being true to my convictions actually would have done is demonstrated my love and active participation by cherishing and protecting with words like, “No.” When I became complacent about choices that were being made I failed in my responsibility to keep record of the cumulative impact of every seemingly insignificant decision. When it seemed to be “no skin off my nose” whether we did or did not pursue a course of action I was surrendering my duty to guard the life we were building together – and it tore us apart. I had the moral obligation to be set in my ways and to resist change for the sake of change only. I had the power to direct our lives toward permanence but weakened my resolve for what seemed convenient and less strenuous efforts to realize our mutual goals. Because I didn’t want to be the one hurting her feelings by not trying to give her everything she wanted I lost her, instead, to failing to meet her expectations. I traded the reality of pain and effort and struggle for the easy compromise of “going with the flow”. I now have more pain than I can bear. Because she was and still is everything I ever wanted; because she already was enough for me I tried in vain to be everything I couldn’t be and became nothing that she wanted.

I know that because I did not say “No” on every occasion when that was the appropriate answer that I doomed my marriage. I had the right and obligation to be unyielding without automatically becoming unreasonable or being accused of being insensitive. She had every right to challenge my decisions as much as she had the obligation to make sure I was aware of the things of which she was innately sensitive but without resorting to manipulation and coercion.

It is a man’s role and I don’t give a damn if that offends you – to make decisions and lead a family. All of the “traditional” elements of male and female that have been defined as “roles” in a marriage are more real than hormone cycles. Men are very influenced by the heroic. Women are very influenced by being nurturing. We have a lot more to apologize for in our lives than those labels for our natural bents. Why would either gender apologize for being associated with those two things, anyway? They are good and powerful measures of virtues we wish we possessed all of the time so we should celebrate that we exercise them at all. The problem always occurs in establishing the means to exchange the value of men and women in trade. Most people would rather steal than deal.

Relationships should be based on improving our ability to interact. Each type of relationship, from parent-child or between siblings or classmates or work associates on up to political parties and national interaction, function only as far as the others involved may be trusted not to lie, cheat, steal, manipulate or otherwise bully to force their will to dominate. Dating and ultimately marriage require the greatest demonstration of trust and self-denial of all relationship types. It is no wonder that people rebel and take drastic measures to avoid playing by the rules when one allows for the priority of self. Afterall, "all is fair in love and war" has proven a sad commentary on the human race. If you miss the irony of that quote . . . the impact of love should be the opposite of war, yet, somehow we accept each as being capable of limitless destruction, pain and suffering.

People have a great deal of trouble with marriage. Actually what they have is a great deal of trouble accepting the effort and conditions of marriage. It should not be confused with the requirements of any other relationship. Recent cultural anarchy has removed the obvious value for having an institution called “marriage”: to distinguish it from lesser levels of intercourse. My choice of words was intended to really focus on what currency is being traded and at what rate of exchange. In the hierarchy of relationships, marriage, is defined as the supreme exchange and it is intended to cost both genders everything. The trade is made worthwhile by the exchange of one soul for another and the mutual sharing of all assets each brings. With the wealth of treasures that is unique to each gender it is sad that we so quickly forget the euphoria of first discovering the bargain giving ourselves to get the other truly is. We further devaluate the wealth of the experience by coveting what others appear to have or by trying to steal the benefits without the contractual obligations outside of marriage. Marriage should be viewed as a bank vault and not as a prison cell. It should be perceived as an investment and not a possession. Marriage needs to be recognized as something not obtained but always just beyond our present grasp. We need to be mutually growing, stretching, yearning and reaching to obtain.

As a man, among my assets include the provisions of a husband. Did you know that the definition of “husband” is “gardener?” When is a gardener’s work ever complete? If he is a good gardener, he is always planning and preparing for tomorrow while he’s getting his hands dirty and sometimes bloody, today. What is my objective as a gardener? My job is to prepare a fertile and safe environment to allow for the healthy and abundant, fruitful growth of my seed. To do that, I must attend to and nourish the soil that will sustain my sowing of myself into her. I will be rewarded for my efforts by beauty that is only limited to the amount of attention I have paid to her. I must be vigilant to see to her having the things necessary to bloom – light and warmth and space and protection from destructive influences. I must break up fallow ground and weed out anything that would interfere with the well-being of the garden. Some of the methods are harsh and blunt. Others require precise, sharp cuts to accomplish the best results. If I am not methodical and constantly practicing my skills the garden suffers from inconsistent care. If I neglect my responsibilities or abandon the garden entirely the consequences are the same – the garden withers and dies. I also may not allow the variance of the weather and seasons to distract me from my achieving and completing harvest. No matter the effort or how willing or resistant the garden is to fulfilling its purpose, the gardener must lovingly persist. The effort is exhausting but the rewards are fragrant and sweet and the promise of another generation of good seed is worth the labor.

That description of marriage is more than poetic it is appropriate to the real purpose for which marriage was established. My garden has run wild and I am in a world of hurt to try and restore it and nurture such a desolate landscape back to health. I don’t care. It’s worth the personal sacrifice and I willingly face the pain that such a struggle will require. So when I survey the surrounding fields and assess the negative influences that want to poison the soil and deprive me of the unspoiled beauty I once held in my hands I get angry and I actively root out any destructive element no matter how seemingly trite and harmless it may appear on the surface.

Articles about manipulating men are weeds and thorns that I can not allow. The same goes for any of my own thoughts that cloud my judgment and erode the straight furrows I am struggling to replant after the storms of divorce.

Women should try having the courage and strength to demonstrate their resilience in the face of their man’s objections with something called "trust" – not merely dismiss him as an obstacle and bulldoze over him if he fails to be persuaded by your need to have your way.

Read more! Don't question me [click here] - DO IT!!

I Want A Do Over

There are several congenital defects in the human heart. Their effect is immediately recognizable but their cause is undetectable. If you ask, women can swear with certainty that it is exclusively the fault of the Y-chromosome. If you ask, men will avow that there is a universal rash of behavior attributable to but denied by women. Unfortunately, one of the global symptoms shared by all of these defects is the need to find fault in others.

The impact is so pandemic while the cure so elusive that there is a general acceptance and surrender that belays discussion unless it is in private conversations or hidden in vague language. The philosopher seeks out its pathways; the artist explores it in verse, in lyric and in portraits. The great and the small struggle but find no solution. Those in pain find comfort in blaming everyone with whom they have come in contact. Those crippled or weakened may fight to regain function or find the struggle too great and succumb. Some observe the devastation which others have endured and steel themselves in an effort to prevent circumstances the opportunity to incite the condition.

But when and how and where the defects will present are beyond our control. It doesn’t matter whether one lives in solitude or indiscriminately socializes because, despite the observation that these are communicable, everyone is already a carrier. The same urges, instincts and longings drive us all with the only subtle difference being how far we are driven crazy.

This seldom stops us from asking, “Why?” I am asking quite a lot at this time in my life. The defects of which I am most curious are all about the stupefying insistence of human beings to deliberately dismiss one another. I have no real questions to the causes. I have no unsolved enigmas in the ways we conduct our malice. Where I have a lot of time invested is in why we won’t examine our resentments and bitterness to resolve them but will enthusiastically do so to reinforce them. The human race is determined to wile away its existence in futile passions.

[Insert record scratch, here]

I want a do over. I want a do over in nearly everything. That’s what made me drill down into the things that screw up relationships. I can’t get a do over unless another person gives it to me. That is the underlying problem in all human interaction. Nearly every conflict comes down to one person being willing to try again and the other person being dead set against it. This happens between nations and right on down to family members and is always foundational to a man and woman in conflict.

Historically in the majority of cases involving men and women it is men seeking the do over. This is not because men are solely at fault or necessarily the guilty party – except it seems that it is necessary as far as women are concerned. So it’s men making the pleadings for a re-trial in all of the “love” songs, romance novels, and movies. Seriously think about that. And, then also seriously evaluate that “love” appears to be something men want and women leave men wanting.

Yeah, yeah – Boo Hoo, I know. For all of the claims of women pining for that special someone no one is ever special enough. I am still going to contend that men are willing to work with a woman’s faults but women can not reciprocate. Women suffer a man’s faults. That is in no way the same thing.

The entire system is set up for a “woman’s prerogative to change her mind.” In other words, a woman will not be held to her choices, decisions, or indiscretions or be made to be accountable for her contradictory nature. Instead she is rewarded for being contrary by every aspect of the dating, courting, marriage and mating rituals. Be honest – there is a whole lot of expected ass kissing for women. Men are expected to be consistent, trustworthy, reliable, diligent, devoted – predictable. That is why a woman lashing out at a man for unsatisfactory (in her biased estimation) behavior receives what a woman believes to be her most scathing indictment, “I don’t even know who you are anymore.” If a man were to say this to a woman he would hear derisive laughter. A woman isn’t the same person within the same breath much more any extended period of time.

What this equates to is a performance-based system for relationships between the genders. It is a meritocracy whereby the man is a pawn. Love is purely conditional as far as the affections of the woman toward the man. He must make all of the proper moves in the correct sequence and even then never expect he passes muster. He will be doubted, questioned, taunted, mocked and deceived as ever the woman sees fit. The game is rigged. A man can do no better than finish and had better be damned happy and content with that. While she’s keeping the mystery she’s also keeping score.

By definition the rules guarantee that the man is constantly guilty until proven innocent. This becomes protracted to associate the onus of fault to be exclusively the man’s while the woman holds court as jury, judge and executioner. The extended consequence is that one party believes herself blameless and a victim due to her association with the man. When she tires of the game he is dismissed with a summary sentence of either, “I’ve outgrown you;” or, a personal favorite, “I don’t love you and I never loved you.” In fairness, the latter might actually be the closest to a pronouncement of truth to ever pass her lips.

So, knowing this is the game I still want a do over. I still seek reconciliation and whatever love she has to offer no matter how imperfect . What I want is the same acceptance that I offer her.

Read more! Don't question me [click here] - DO IT!!

Women SUCK - You'd think THAT'D be a GOOD thing

Reader Advisory: This is going to be one of those ugly, the gloves are off posts. To what I hope will be the majority of the female population - the ensuing observations won't apply. If you get offended then consider that it does apply to you; and, to everyone else - it definitely applies to you.

I use a convenient (ie, cheap) email provider that costs me nothing except that logging into and out of the service forces me to view a whole series of "articles" and insightful tidbits that are supposed to be designed to entice me. Most times I tell myself I am better off not clicking any of the links but like a car wreck, I just have to look. It's the electronic equivalent of the periodicals that greet you at supermarket check-out aisles. I understand the target audience and that all of these little hooks are hoping to reel in the female and gay consumers because that's where the majority of purchasing decisions are made. Men might corner the market on beer, chips, and pretzels and the other end of the extreme - one-time, large ticket items like a mid-life crisis pacifier but the real money and the majority of print advertising is elsewhere.

So every couple days I bite. I'm just as interested as many others in ways I might improve myself or enjoy a paradigm shift that will allow me to be more savvy or popular or get my teeth their whitest. Why not? Some articles are obviously for women by women and I know that going in. Those are read with the intent of seeing how close to or far off the mark I currently am in juxtaposition to the collective female psyche. It's a sort of mile marker on my journey through life. I'm OK with those articles. But, there is an entirely other series of subject matter that somehow always swings back to a galvanizing theme and it is those sorts of articles that have me looking for appropriate real estate for digging my shallow, mass grave sites.

These articles fall into what I call the "Three T's." In essence, they are always about the same thing no matter what the article is titled. That would be: How to Tempt a man; How to Trick a man; and, How to Teach a man. Of course these are also able to be combined in all sorts of titillating ways. After all, how many articles can one have on such subjects? Why as many as one may have for diets to stack beside the number of "sinful" dessert recipes, of course.

In two of the most recent gems that I read women were informed how to use their stuff to full advantage to get what they want. I always enjoy these articles the most due to the blatant hypocrisy. Here you have the misunderstood and, unappreciated martyr that is woman; an innocent soul with untapped potential that has always been taken for granted and ogled for her fleshy bits throughout the ages, taking notes on how to be ogled for her fleshy bits. Then there are the superwoman bitching articles. These are very hard for me to find amusing but what I find fascinating about these articles is they are always being preached to the choir. The only other soul that gives a damn beside the woman filing the grievance in the article is another woman that already agrees. Such columns aren't generated to open discourse between the sexes. They are designed to venerate the author. If anything it is an open campaign to foment ill will toward men. Ill will toward men is very popular.

Such cowshit is in great supply these days. And Ladies, I know it's unfathomable to you but cowshit smells just as bad as bullshit.

Do you really want an honest man's perspective? An honest man would and should be noticeably angry in the face of the current crap women are throwing his way. There are so many contradictory claims being made by women that a mirage has more substance. Most men try to jump through the hoops and learn the rules of the game to be with you. There are actually quite a few men that want more than sex - not something other than sex but more than sex. (Sex is really the ONLY thing men get as a reward for putting up with YOUR shit. Deal with it.) But, every man has his limit and eventually you will cheat at the game or change the rules one two many times and first he will stop playing and ultimately he'll be gone. For each man the limits are different but the limits are always there. A man in love will overlook as many of your faults as he can. That doesn't mean that you don't have any. Yes. Women have faults. Little itty-bitty ones and great big ones. I know for most women that will be a revelation.

If you're at all bright you will recognize that if it's a man you want in your life then it's HIS opinion that counts and not that of Cosmo or your girlfriend's or even a lot of your own opinion. I don't expect you will effortlessly take such a radical idea at face value. Too bad.

Let me give you a snapshot of the "modern" woman from the male perspective. (Insert appropriate mood music in background, say, "Wannabe," by the Spice Girls . . .)

Involvement on even the most surface level with the modern woman is like a hostage negotiation. A list of demands is painfully extracted and then the waiting game begins. There will be no direct communication and the woman expects to exercise control. There is no promise of a successful negotiation. There probably will be casualties. There definitely will be misunderstandings, threats and irrational outbursts. The man will be forced to admit wrongs have been committed that if not by him, personally, certainly by men at large. The woman will defend her choices and behavior using the wrongs done to her kind throughout history as ample justification - and the man would know this if he weren't, by nature, an insensitive bastard. All efforts to meet the demands in any reasonable way or reasonable amount of time will not go well for the man. He will be accused of dragging his feet or being insincere. The demands will change without predictable cause and effect. The woman will secretly make calls to her friends on the outside for guidance. It doesn't matter that her friends are not concerned with facts and are only accepting her perspective. The man will count how many bullets he has left to use before turning the last one on himself.

It seems that most relationships are doomed before they start. They are if a woman has expectations so idealistic that no man can achieve them. What are those expectations based upon? It would seem that the acid test for a woman's choices is whether or not she is happy. How fortunate for us men that happiness is not something elusive and is so concrete and permanently available! It's a good thing happiness isn't tied into our emotions, hormone imbalances and circumstances. That would be a terribly poor choice of conditions by which to govern our lives.

Surprisingly the efforts of the last few generations of the pursuit of happiness for women have been heralded in very male-sounding military terms under battle cries all relating to freedom from sexual oppression, no more enslavement to the will of men, give me an equal opportunity to make an equal living - basically, get out of the way. The convictions that followed these efforts all promised that once women were able to function without obstructions and traditional roles assigned by the whims of men and their patriarchal societies that all of the human race would benefit from the undeniable superiority of the female approach.

How's that working out for you?

Women now comprise the greater percentage of degrees awarded at the Masters and above levels. The higher paid spouse in an increasing number of marriages is the woman. As I mentioned earlier, women are exercising more of the purchasing muscle and the decisions that determine what is purchased. They have power. They have influence. They have respect.

Women also have many more health issues than ever before because they have now equaled men in stress-related (to job) illnesses such as heart conditions, cancers and diabetes. They are trying to still be "traditional" mommies but also work traditionally long work days outside the home. Men don't have as much value anymore seeing that what they traditionally were used for has been replaced by women. So women are frustrated as much today as they ever were in their sexual relationships and finding a soul-mate.

Some have realized that it isn't enough to talk about how useless men are and to do something about it. So these women have elected to be single mothers where the only contribution from a man is a tablespoon of sperm. Rather than change the "barbaric male" way of conducting business women have embraced it and made it their own. And, now women can rightfully be proud that they've closed the gap in another traditional category - the taking of human life. Only women showed their superiority by using abortion to exercise their rights.

Are you happy, now?

Happiness is the pursuit made by selfish children. We are constantly told about the follies associated with the male ego. Well girls, you might think your cowshit doesn't stink and that's why it's so popular to spread it far and spread it thick. Women are incredibly narcissistic these days. The whole culture resonates with it. We are being swallowed up in it. Every pop culture icon is female. Every excess and hedonistic tendency is tuned to resonate with the frenzied passions of a diva-obsessed marketplace. We are a day spa away from Nirvana if you believe the media.

All that this means is that the pendulum has certainly swung the other way from when women were popularly portrayed as dim-witted, silly little things that were nothing more than amusement and capable of only performing menial tasks to be useful. Now men are regarded as simplistic, awkward, stupid and oafish pets.

Has anybody besides me had enough?

This whole goddess/princess trip that women have sold their souls for is a travesty. We were a pathetic, Me-first society. Now we're a Me-Only cesspool. No wonder relationships don't have a chance. Look, everybody has experienced the transition from falling in love with the "I'll do anything for you/Be anything you want" attitude. We learn the painful lessons that being someone else's doormat like that teaches us. We grow smarter but also colder and more aware of protecting ourselves at the expense of isolating ourselves instead. Have a little more value in yourself, Ladies. Really. I think that's what is behind so much of this. You don't have to sell yourself. You don't have to use trickery. Men don't need to be convinced you have worth. You need to drop the conceit and the deceit.

Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about. It isn't that women lie. Women become their lies. That's what so pisses me off about those Three T's articles. At the heart of it all women want to exert influence and control. Rather than employ brutish and confrontational methods you use subliminal, subtle, psychological ploys. It is not by accident that words like scheming and conniving are instantly identified with feminine articles. Everyone lies but only women have elevated it to a science. Men make up lies after the fact. It makes them incredibly vulnerable to discovery. Women not only pre-plan their lies but conspire with their female friends so that everyone is on the same page and their stories will match. Women know when they are going to lie and cheat and have a justification for why before hand. They are so involved in the perpetuation of lies that perception becomes reality and they believe their own lies to be absolute truth. These switches women possess to compartmentalize their conscious create frightening labyrinths. Invariably, a woman is going to get caught in her own web.

I have a daughter who is only thirteen. We are separated by a great geographic distance but I took a lot of solace in the fact we seemed so close, otherwise. A few weeks ago I became party to my daughter taking a fundamental step into womanhood. She knows my concerns about boys. She knows that I want her to be safe and not lose herself while getting her heart broken navigating through unchartered waters. I have no double standard in these matters. My two sons are being told that they have no right to treat any woman differently than the way I expect their sister to be treated. In light conversation I just casually asked if she were interested in any boys. For the first time in our relationship she broke my heart. Rather than tell me the truth she told me what she knew I would want to hear. She has now learned how to lie to a man that she loves by justifying her actions as in his best interest. I want to die. I shouldn't have been so naive as to expect her to behave any differently but it still wrenched something pure from me. What I'm asking is don't do this to yourselves or do it to us. No little secrets. No lies of omission. No veil of silence.

I used to think women only wanted something when they COULDN'T have it. Now, of course, I realize I was wrong. Women want what they DON'T have . . . Because of this they're seldom happy. There is always an unsatisfied hunger. You know it is funny in a really unfunny way that women seem to want control and authority but not the blame and responsibility. Men are still good for blame. Somehow there are supposed to be men that can rescue the I-can-do-it-myself princess. If any man gets close to rescuing her from herself then she runs like hell.

A fundamental difference between boys and girls is this: Boys live for the moment and aren't too concerned beyond that. Meanwhile, Girls are never content with who they are in the moment. When they are little they want to be big. As soon as a girl is old enough to convey any of the dynamics of human expression she is on a quest to demonstrate her mastery. It's another need for control. Boys are fun. Girls are serious. The fun element never leaves men and it's a good thing because that's what makes life tolerable. The serious thing, in girls, cascades and escalates into critical. Women are sold on the superiority of sobriety. The cost is high. They're not happy. Men accept that their contribution is to make women laugh. Women grudgingly "accept the responsibility" of "helping" men "grow up." So men grow out of the moment and into always looking to the possibilities of the future. Women are too occupied with the need to take care of obligations to catch their breath. They start to look back (with a critical eye) to evaluate everything in a historical perspective. "It WAS BETTER that way . . ." What generally happens is that neither Men nor Women are living in the Now. He's off in a glorious future and she's back where it was good. My favorite example of this is what I call "The Mirror Test." A woman looks into a mirror and exclaims, 'Oh, worse than I thought." A man looks in the mirror and shrugs, "Huh. Better than I thought."

It would take actual effort and discipline and maturity on the part of both men and women to live in and enjoy the moment. I believe it's called selflessness. I think everybody that tried this would be . . . well . . . happy.

Alright. I have filed my grievances concerning bad, terrible, awful women. I hope that even if I angered you that you realize I'm not picking a fight. I'm frustrated with how absurd getting along has become. As a peace offering I am trying to be candid - not mean or insulting. I was entirely honest. You might even have gained some insights.

As a public service I offer women some real truth and direct recommendations:

Any man you can change already lost your interest and your respect and isn't going to have anything to offer of any substance since you're calling the shots. If he doesn't come out of the box the way you like - keep looking. He's not going to change and you'll eventually realize that, anyway. If it scares you that you may never find the right guy then YOU have to deal with two possibilities: 1) You're afraid to be by yourself; 2) You need to change things about yourself or get some realistic expectations.

If men are really evil incarnate to you (and I know some do qualify) and you think women are better please consider the numerous truly miserable and even hostile and bitter lesbians that would be the alternative. Things are not always ROSIE . . .

If you are keeping score - you both lose.

If the sex is good but nothing else is then why are you settling for a below average experience?

Being vulnerable and open is an incredible personal risk. It's also the hottest, most irresistible thing a woman can do. Find someone where it's an investment and not a gamble.

Be Yourself. (Not like in women's magazines where even your own mother can't recognize you.) Really. Yourself.

Desperation leads to compromise which is just another name for lying to yourself and him.

Happiness is a choice - not a destination.

Expectations KILL. Not every kiss, cup of coffee, and moment together can transport you to an out of body experience. Despite the advertisements you do know even bath oils and candles can't pull this off. And they're supposed to. Right??

Get over yourself, first.

The Male ego is incredibly fragile and so insatiable for attention. - So? If you know things about men to be true what is the big friggin' deal about just accepting it and making a little space for it instead of putting everything important to him or about him that WON'T CHANGE out in the garage?

In a relationship try not to become a snake swallowing its own tail.

There is so much more and I'm sure something else will set me off in the near future. So expect this kind of saber rattling another time.

Read more! Don't question me [click here] - DO IT!!