In Defense of the Cold-Hearted Bastard, Part 1

I’m on a bit of a theme, once again. The thoughts I let tumble around in my head are something like the way an American football quarterback leads the receiver with the thrown pass. As I have an idea, and as it becomes a little more clear, someone comes into view that catches the gist of it or is living out my observations in their actual life.

As a preface, there are obviously times to execute discretion and hold one’s tongue but, you know what? That option is relied upon far too many times by most people. I must include myself in that, as well. Now, those who know me will find that laughable as I never seem to be very aware or mindful of tempering my reactions. I am not known for withholding my swift wrath in a verbal lashing. Anyone may inadvertently step on the numerous tripwires in my psyche for intolerance toward opposing views or what I find foolish. So, whenever I mention that something hurt my feelings or that I was exercising caution the usual response is, “Oh, you‘re so sarcastic.” A recent but not infrequent example is when I was told how someone endured unbelievably clueless instructions or admonitions from an employer and simply allowed it to happen without addressing the issue. I replied, “You know I would never let something like that go . . .” to which my friend responded, “But, that is why I still have my job.” Now, although that may have the ring of truth it really does not take all factors into account. How fortunate for us all that I am going to belabor my point.

This same friend, as well as another from among the sea of humanity whom I shall use for examples, live their lives in subjection to the whim and will of others. They do this at work, at home and in all social situations. They do this, I would argue, to their own harm while thinking they are protecting themselves and the feelings and well-being of others. This notion, while appealing, is utter nonsense. The primary thing to understand is that a great number of people are manipulative and self-serving. Shocking – I know. Understanding this about people does not automatically imply any personal sentiments of mistrust or harbored bitterness or animosity. It simply means that you allow a person only enough leeway to make their intentions obvious. If their motives are genuine, there is more allowance made and so forth. However, if their intent proves to be some form of gain at another’s expense it is time to clamp down and interpose in order to prevent such abuse. Secondly, most people are not as alert or incisive as we are want to give them credit for being. It is not an exaggeration that ALL people are stupid. Each and everyone are missing vital pieces of information or have allowed perception to replace reality when making decisions and then acting upon those volitional choices. The normal individual’s behavior when first confronted with evidence they are not infallible is to - as in most human responses – take an extreme polarized position ever afterward. A few resort to denial that they have or will ever make a mistake. The majority retreat into themselves and warily hope others with the proper training, experience and authority will step in and address whatever has suddenly taken focus. The insecure human being has an unfathomable depth of thirst to emphasize their inadequacies rather than to reinforce and strengthen their image of self. Most people surrender arguments and even their worth as a person in exchange for having no one call attention to their deficiencies. Conflict stirs the pot too much and causes too much introspection and acknowledgment of people’s short-comings and weaknesses. The desire to avoid conflict is the foundation upon which tyrants build their power.

The greatest wrong fomented by the desire to hold one’s tongue and allow something patently “wrong” to go unchecked is that it validates negative influence. The unintentional approval of a false premise or skewed conclusion by the imposition of another’s will creates a chain of events. Those events encourage the wrong thinking to be practiced with greater confidence. The lack of opposition causes the deficient in self-esteem to accept the premise of the allowed thing as being significant and awarded undue importance. This leads to a wrong idea becoming the cornerstone for entire edifices and institutions forming around a false principle. The person that has allowed themselves to be silenced also consigns themselves to a subordinate role from then on. Without checks and testing of people’s actions, especially those in managerial functions, operations and policies are incorporated that simply never should have been. Unfortunately, a silent voice is a vote of approval and encourages more and more action without measure or proof of concept. Ultimately, the snowball effect escalates into an avalanche. The passive person needs to be certain they are not so out of a poor self-image, fear, or cowardice but because they are in agreement with the choices being made.

Also, the need to resort to seeking an expert or insisting that a highly specialized education or experience is a guarantee of good judgment negates the inherent fly in the ointment. It counts for something but only because if you insist that your only source of wisdom and knowledge is humanity then it is pretty much the only thing you’ve got to cling to for hope. Whenever a person believes their own press reports and resume fluff it is time to distance them from any active choice making exercises, and to remove those that embrace them without blushing, as well. In a disheartening way, it is amusing to consider the smug, know-it-all behavior of a teenager with a wry smile but be intimidated by the same behavior in an esteemed adult figure. Have you ever gotten a satisfactory answer from a doctor, for example, who insincerely listened to your description of what ailed you or your own hypothesis? Likely, you have not; as that mere human being already concluded what course of action they would take when you entered the examination room. There are two types of practicing physicians, essentially. There is the sincere practitioner that has an inquisitive mind and real desire to assess your individual needs. This sort is still aware that they must always be studying, observing and learning. They are the kind of doctor that makes medical research successful. They are rarely found, however, interacting with people. The price of such service to humanity comes at a high cost. The other and more common type of physician is the textbook scholar that has done their time and is paying their dues and their tuition loans and practices medicine from memory, patterns of symptoms in their experience and, too often, whatever promises the drug manufacturer representative claims in his sample packets. That doctor has subscribed to the dogma that it is best to rely on the expertise of others. The downside is a lack of direct understanding and any real applicable action for specific instances. The textbook scholar has believed and subscribed to the knowledge imparted from a handful of authors and lecturers. If a three-dimensional map of their collective comprehension were modeled it would resemble Swiss cheese. Why? It is because they do not have full understanding of their subject, individually or collectively. Subsequently they will each concentrate too much on some things, not at all on others, and perhaps arbitrarily dismiss some information and stubbornly cling to other refuted ideological inconsistencies. Here is a bankable truth borne out by historical record. When it comes to human enterprise and endeavor, success is most often accidental and unintentional. If considered in another vein, success often proves to have been the failure to fail as most efforts involving people are unsupportable in their theory and practice.

What people lack in competence is compensated for with bravado and style. Being attractive or presumed powerful is yet another device to manipulate the intimidated. Once a person believes that they are less than other people in value it is over. They relinquish the fight or the desire to challenge the curious and suspicious ideas others are hell bent to act upon. The imbalance in self-worth also causes the quest for safety in numbers and the seeking out of democratic means to determine and/or assess worth and validity. Such subjective foolishness is no way to establish functional standards of behavior. This is why opinion polls are an outright crime against humanity. Seeking the collective mindlessness of the masses also removes the authority of the individual and forces one into the morass of a legislated morality and socially acceptable behavior that is as predictable and secure as a tornado. The result requires having to accept, with a religious faith, the belief that many wrongs make a right. It is wrong to speak up. It is wrong to disagree. It is wrong to question the thought process behind an edict. It is dangerous to become recognizable as a solitary figure . . . and so on. This order of “reasoning” has distorted what is actual selfish behavior and what is selfless action. The most important aspect overlooked in all of this is that inaction has just as severe a series of consequences as arrogant behavior. There is also need to consider that passive folk are not actually entirely passive. They exert indirect influence by subversive, covert, and other negative means in response to their frustration with themselves. They are also prone to irrational outbursts and lashing out at even more passive people to vent their exasperation for failing to express opposition when it was appropriate.

In the case of my friend and the silent resignation to the criticisms of an uninformed assessment, their choice to not correct the misconceptions and supply supporting detail has resulted in at least the following:
• Established the notion in the superior’s mind that their work performance is sub-standard
• Lost credibility for future interactions
• Allowed for an unfair neglect to consider a proven record of exceeding performance expectations
• Rewarded co-workers for their mediocrity
• Caused personal stress and inner conflict that has lingered while all other parties have entirely forgotten the whole affair
• Reinforced a negative system of behavior both personally and professionally
• Cheated the company out of the valuable insights my friend has to offer that would benefit not only a department but an organization
• Held up inefficiency and vain effort as the new standard
. . . and I am sure there is more but you get the basic house of cards relationship.

Now, not to single out my friend but they allow this same sort of situation in all of the institutional environments in which they are participating. All of those scenarios result in a passive-aggressive mess. My friend is trapped and stressed and a good deal of it is self-inflicted. None of that builds confidence, self-esteem, or independent thought and action. I do not subscribe that there is any deliberate conspiracy behind all of this other than the peer pressure to not be a “trouble maker” by voicing opposition to folly. But, I must insist that the truly vested and interested party in any endeavor is the one that takes the painful steps to act on their beliefs with the full support of cause and reason to evaluate what to accept and what to question. Blind rejection is ignorant and arrogant. Blind acceptance is a paralyzing toxin.

My second exhibit is the hyperbolic reflection of the first. I have a friend that is now involved in the scattered business obligations of aging parents. The burden to rectify the justifications for why certain things were done the way they were is a Rubicon to navigate.

As in so much of human forecasting, the value in the endeavor was long ago absorbed in the undertaking. My friend will not gain in any way other than to try to unknot a tangled and confusing series of decisions so that everything may finally and completely unravel. The profit was lost in the translation and only the consequences and ramifications of finding liability and financial accountability remain. It is assumed by onlookers that my friend stands to inherit a small fortune of properties when the father passes. There is really no fortune, or properties. All of that has already been dispersed and the short-sighted but well-intentioned decisions that have been made have all but nullified any assets. My friend is simply a responsible and loving child doing the best they possibly can to accommodate parental wishes and ease the painful results of bad choices. The fascinating thing for me to observe, when I detach my personal feelings for all of the participants, is how at the same time that my friend recognizes the stupefying consequences of good intentions mucking up the ebb and flow of life, their own actions are being hamstrung by the same sorts of considerations. At the bottom of all of this fiasco is that for a decade, a tenant has unsuccessfully applied for disability insurance and has yet to obtain it. In that period of time, they have managed to live fairly well and even maintain a newer automobile. My friend only discovered, last week, this was able to be achieved by paying no rent. That means that the owner has taken on the burden of all expenses for the property, including maintenance and taxes without receiving any income to do so. My friend was introduced to this situation with the simple admission that so much is now owed that the home is probably going to need to be sold. No one had the heart to go to the renter and ask for the agreed and contracted rent., nor to expel them and select a paying tenant.

The reason why nice guys finish last is because they are left holding the bag full of burdens for obligations and responsibilities shirked by others. The nice people, the good neighbor, and the law-abiding citizen are like sheep to the slaughter. What is required is the recognition that one may still demonstrate compassion, concern and understanding for others but take on the dispassionate, thieving and conniving at the same time. How is this possible? One must be able to assess themselves and others, honestly. They must not be distracted by wit and sparkle. They must not be offended by the hideous diseases that infest the human soul. They must be immune to pain when it is the only means to end suffering. They must be unconcerned for being branded as cold-hearted bastards.

Read more! Don't question me [click here] - DO IT!!

A New Wrinkle - Oh Where, Oh Where Are My South African Friends?

The crease that won't cease

Oh Where, Oh Where Can They Be . . ?

At the risk of slighting all of you that voyeuristically peak at my posts and never comment I am going to pay special attention to the South African contingent, yet again.

But, first - someone that gets all of my abuse, ridicule, and scorn on a regular basis needs to be mentioned. Evi (Not her real name - suspicious? I know I am?) And today, I add her blog as the first official external link that will be permanently affixed to my own. She is a terrific friend and all because she invited me to visit her site, Obsessed with Bones. She's just a very sweet person and her site is the best of its type. That's not hyperbole. Yes. I have mentioned her, before. I am overdue in giving her the first real estate just below my archive list in the right sidebar. So, sorry Evi, that it took too long to rectify that situation.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Now then. Back to those Johannesburg, Gauteng, South African characters. Helen, was the second person ever to feel compelled to comment on my posts. She was then followed by her friend, Luke. These "irritatingly" nice people took one look at my whiny, mopey, woe is me rants and decided to intervene. They may have no idea how much I like them because I never give them a break and love to make snide remarks and generally be a royal pain. They have continued to come back, regardless. That is to say, I think they are still coming back. I heard from Luke, recently, but Helen has cut me off. I think my purely all in good fun post recommending the best hat for her work estranged us? I'm not certain. There are so many possible places I could have offended her or given her creepy vibes - the opportunities to fail are nearly boundless. There is the possibility that she's not as nice as I thought - or, she and Luke are one-in-the-same person.

The latter is a distinct possibility. That brings me to, Candice. I have never really engaged her in direct conversation. There have been random passings at the comment watering holes of other people's posts. Luke claims, that in actual fact, Candice and I are one-in-the-same person. You can see Candice's picture, above, on the side of the milk carton. You may also have noted there is no picture of me to be found. I would argue that as proof but then the exact same situation applies to Helen and Luke. Helen has no picture - I wouldn't know her if I fell over her - and Luke is grinning away, just like Candice. This means that it is more likely that Helen, and I are the same person and the ramifications of that are quite disturbing because that means I have stopped speaking to myself!

What does it all mean? I'll tell you. I want to find that magic post - the skeleton key - to unlock all of the conversations I'm so hungry to enjoy. I have had the door crack open and then slam shut. What will it take to make that door swing wide open and stay that way? I have become fond of the thoughts, opinions, and attitudes of every person that has ever commented on this blog. But, I want more. I want people to let their hair down and use this blog as an open forum. I am an open book. Maybe not the best read but if you don't see it all you have to do is ask with me and I'll tell you nearly anything. I don't expect those commenting to be so candid but I do like comments.

I don't want to have to resort to shock tactics to draw comments out of people. I just want conversation. How come nobody wants to be my friend? [stage directions: dark stage except for solitary spotlight; ADDhole sits in despair, pouting and sulking; a single tear streaks down his grimy cheek . . . ] Cue the sad music! Where are my warm, fuzzy South African do-gooders when I need them? Where are the dark, sinister South African sadists when I need them? (I'm talking to you - Candice) My favorite reaction to storming into the comments of another person's post was here. When he read my comment, his reply was, "Thanks. Who are you?" Yet, he like most everyone else, isn't bothering to find out.

Read more! Don't question me [click here] - DO IT!!

There's Something In My Ire

I am going to barely contain the swearing that wants to surge from my rage from my reaction to an article I read only moments ago. This will be my first instance of a post that deliberately piggybacks an earlier entry. Excuse me; I am pausing until I come back to a simmer from a rolling boil.

In my posting, “Women SUCK – You’d think THAT would be a GOOD thing,” I highlighted instances of the feminine compulsion to control and manipulate men. A friend of mine found no fault with my thesis but argued that my tone softened as the narrative unfolded. He also rightly observed that this is the natural flow for men – we express what really offends us but try to reign in the emotion and consign our outrage to the constraints of reason. It is necessary for the preservation of the species. To not allow for the infuriating and contrary nature of women would ensure violence or extinction. Some men opt to forego the strictures of polite society and actually do physically express their inner turmoil in grappling with the necessity of allowing women to be what women choose to be. A great many men compartmentalize their feelings (and consequently women) to effect an approximation of tolerance while other men take the least tumultuous course of action and withdraw as far from the pain as practicable and avoid interaction whenever possible.

Since violence towards women is still distasteful to me (on the majority of occasions) and trying to understand and cooperatively interact with women is still a beautiful, although recognizably unobtainable dream, I am faced with defining my navigation in these turbulent waters at an agonizingly slow pace. While on my quest for the perfect gender- balanced land of Atlantis I drift back and forth between two shores – between the craggy, compartmentalized, utilitarian coastline and the barren desert island that would result from avoiding women altogether. But every now and again I encounter the eddy currents of a woman with no fear of recrimination for dashing men on the hostile juts of her cold, stone heart. So today I bring you the soul-less musings of a practiced control freak, Elise Nersesian. Ms. Neresian submitted this particular article to Happen magazine (www.happenmag.com) which then ascribed to it the misnomer of a “courtesy” passed on to me as I was assaulted by it upon reading my email. She has also written for Redbook, Stuff and other publications according to the byline. I will quote to you the entire piece as I do not wish to be accused of taking any of it out of context. I will highlight particularly galling excerpts, however.

“Your Man’s Mood Swings - By Elise Nersesian

Trying to figure out the best time to broach a touchy topic, ask your guy a favor or convince him to do something you know he’ll dread? Well, it’s easier than you think if you learn how to tune in to his body clock, says Gabrielle Lichterman, founder of Hormonology.info and co-author of 28 Days: What Your Cycle Reveals About Your Love Life, Moods, and Potential. While women, we all know, experience hormone-induced mood swings on a monthly basis, Lichterman attests that men, too, are affected by hormonal highs and lows—only their levels fluctuate daily. Want to get his hormones working for you? Read on.

If you need his help moving, fighting, or fixing something…
Ask: from 9-12 a.m.
It should come as no surprise that guys wake up bursting with testosterone. And aside from the obvious frisky factor, this surge in hormones makes him ambitious and determined, says Lichterman. This is the perfect time to ask him for a favor, particularly one that makes him feel like Mr. Fix-It. Buying a car? Indulge his competitive streak, and drag him along to help you haggle with the salesman and score a great deal. Or, cash in on his peak in spatial thinking and ask him to move your couch, or measure your closet space. He’ll feel heroic, and you’ll reap the benefits.

If you want to get him to agree to your plans…
Ask: from 3-4 p.m.
Trying to convince him to sign up for ballroom dancing lessons, commit to your new book club or otherwise agree to do something that would normally send men screaming in the opposite direction? Then this late-afternoon window is the perfect opportunity, says Lichterman, since his super-low testosterone levels will make him mellow and amenable to pretty much anything you throw on the table.

If you want to broach a touchy topic…
Ask: from 8-10 p.m.
At this hour, another hormone called oxytocin — a.k.a. the “cuddle hormone” due to its intimacy-inducing effects — is on the rise in his bloodstream, says Lichterman. That means this is a prime time to resolve a lingering spat (“It hurt my feelings when you didn’t call today”) or get a grievance off your chest (“Will you please shave your goatee?”). You’ll probably get met with nothing but a sincere apology and the promise to change his ways. Sure, his sweetness may be as much due to timing as a true desire to please, but hey, who cares as long as your wish is his command?”

Wow . . .

This article really should have been titled, “Empowering Your Inner Sociopath - Learning to Control His Psychopathic Tendencies.” It may surprise you that I actually agree with her fundamental argument. However, she left out one important time segment.

Don’t Ask: from 5-7 a.m.
This is the period of heightened sensitivity of senses and reasoning ability – which is when I read this provocative article. My olfactory system was acutely sensitized to this offensive cowshit and my mind reeled with the blatant assertions that a man’s biology explains all of his behavior and should be used against him. In yet another hypocritical act, a woman is advising others of her gender to pull an option right out of the “Insensitive, Dumb-ass, Man’s” playbook. If a man even suggests that a woman’s hormones have anything to do with her behavior or decision making processes he had better run for his life as he will find no amnesty.

The mention of hormone cycles was also evaluated under a very soft light. Ms. Nersesian’s claims are a reiteration of another woman’s theory that a woman is predictably stable over a sweeping phase that requires 28 days but a man is a highly volatile and unpredictable creature changing by the hour. This is the equivalent of claiming that the sky is green and the grass is blue. She has inverted reality with a reference to Gabrielle Lichterman’s non-doctoral thesis in a single sentence. That means I have license to counter just as succinctly.

Not only are women identified by their constant state of variableness but it is the very fact their behavior is so unpredictable that women may rightly argue that where they are in their cycle has no bearing on their current deportment. Meanwhile, it is in fact the very constancy of a man’s behavior that makes the need for an article such as this one attempting to manipulate him and change his behavior seem significant. It is because men are predictable that women complain about us being “set in our ways,” or as being inflexible and unyielding. Women want to have variety and not be “stuck in a rut” and then they look at their guy and he’s “a stick in the mud,” right?

So what this article is really trying to achieve is to find some new spin on the old problem of a woman getting what she wants. If someone dangles the carrot that men are actually flexible – it’s just a matter of timing – then there’s renewed hope of manipulating a man and bending him to your will even if it’s only temporarily. Am I making this up? Go back and read the first paragraph of her article, again. A woman’s hormone cycle needs to be viewed as a tool for empowerment while a man’s cycle should be used to plan your calendar so he will work for you to get what you want. Manipulative, and completely dismissive of a man’s opinion or whether his negative position toward your ambitions may have sound judgment to support his reluctance; But, what the hell? According to the article, “Sure, his sweetness may be as much due to timing as a true desire to please, but hey, who cares as long as your wish is his command?”

Why This Bothers Me So Much
Her attitude of getting what she wants no matter what is what burned my biscuit to a cinder. You certainly know not to allow children such leeway because they are not able to make reasonable choices. What makes us believe an adult is anything more than a child with more means to get their way? This kind of thing never used to bother me until it cost me nearly everything by subscribing to being compliant. I bought into the notion that being the guy that stood on principle and dug in my heels was some form of cruelty to the woman in my life. What being true to my convictions actually would have done is demonstrated my love and active participation by cherishing and protecting with words like, “No.” When I became complacent about choices that were being made I failed in my responsibility to keep record of the cumulative impact of every seemingly insignificant decision. When it seemed to be “no skin off my nose” whether we did or did not pursue a course of action I was surrendering my duty to guard the life we were building together – and it tore us apart. I had the moral obligation to be set in my ways and to resist change for the sake of change only. I had the power to direct our lives toward permanence but weakened my resolve for what seemed convenient and less strenuous efforts to realize our mutual goals. Because I didn’t want to be the one hurting her feelings by not trying to give her everything she wanted I lost her, instead, to failing to meet her expectations. I traded the reality of pain and effort and struggle for the easy compromise of “going with the flow”. I now have more pain than I can bear. Because she was and still is everything I ever wanted; because she already was enough for me I tried in vain to be everything I couldn’t be and became nothing that she wanted.

I know that because I did not say “No” on every occasion when that was the appropriate answer that I doomed my marriage. I had the right and obligation to be unyielding without automatically becoming unreasonable or being accused of being insensitive. She had every right to challenge my decisions as much as she had the obligation to make sure I was aware of the things of which she was innately sensitive but without resorting to manipulation and coercion.

It is a man’s role and I don’t give a damn if that offends you – to make decisions and lead a family. All of the “traditional” elements of male and female that have been defined as “roles” in a marriage are more real than hormone cycles. Men are very influenced by the heroic. Women are very influenced by being nurturing. We have a lot more to apologize for in our lives than those labels for our natural bents. Why would either gender apologize for being associated with those two things, anyway? They are good and powerful measures of virtues we wish we possessed all of the time so we should celebrate that we exercise them at all. The problem always occurs in establishing the means to exchange the value of men and women in trade. Most people would rather steal than deal.

Relationships should be based on improving our ability to interact. Each type of relationship, from parent-child or between siblings or classmates or work associates on up to political parties and national interaction, function only as far as the others involved may be trusted not to lie, cheat, steal, manipulate or otherwise bully to force their will to dominate. Dating and ultimately marriage require the greatest demonstration of trust and self-denial of all relationship types. It is no wonder that people rebel and take drastic measures to avoid playing by the rules when one allows for the priority of self. Afterall, "all is fair in love and war" has proven a sad commentary on the human race. If you miss the irony of that quote . . . the impact of love should be the opposite of war, yet, somehow we accept each as being capable of limitless destruction, pain and suffering.

People have a great deal of trouble with marriage. Actually what they have is a great deal of trouble accepting the effort and conditions of marriage. It should not be confused with the requirements of any other relationship. Recent cultural anarchy has removed the obvious value for having an institution called “marriage”: to distinguish it from lesser levels of intercourse. My choice of words was intended to really focus on what currency is being traded and at what rate of exchange. In the hierarchy of relationships, marriage, is defined as the supreme exchange and it is intended to cost both genders everything. The trade is made worthwhile by the exchange of one soul for another and the mutual sharing of all assets each brings. With the wealth of treasures that is unique to each gender it is sad that we so quickly forget the euphoria of first discovering the bargain giving ourselves to get the other truly is. We further devaluate the wealth of the experience by coveting what others appear to have or by trying to steal the benefits without the contractual obligations outside of marriage. Marriage should be viewed as a bank vault and not as a prison cell. It should be perceived as an investment and not a possession. Marriage needs to be recognized as something not obtained but always just beyond our present grasp. We need to be mutually growing, stretching, yearning and reaching to obtain.

As a man, among my assets include the provisions of a husband. Did you know that the definition of “husband” is “gardener?” When is a gardener’s work ever complete? If he is a good gardener, he is always planning and preparing for tomorrow while he’s getting his hands dirty and sometimes bloody, today. What is my objective as a gardener? My job is to prepare a fertile and safe environment to allow for the healthy and abundant, fruitful growth of my seed. To do that, I must attend to and nourish the soil that will sustain my sowing of myself into her. I will be rewarded for my efforts by beauty that is only limited to the amount of attention I have paid to her. I must be vigilant to see to her having the things necessary to bloom – light and warmth and space and protection from destructive influences. I must break up fallow ground and weed out anything that would interfere with the well-being of the garden. Some of the methods are harsh and blunt. Others require precise, sharp cuts to accomplish the best results. If I am not methodical and constantly practicing my skills the garden suffers from inconsistent care. If I neglect my responsibilities or abandon the garden entirely the consequences are the same – the garden withers and dies. I also may not allow the variance of the weather and seasons to distract me from my achieving and completing harvest. No matter the effort or how willing or resistant the garden is to fulfilling its purpose, the gardener must lovingly persist. The effort is exhausting but the rewards are fragrant and sweet and the promise of another generation of good seed is worth the labor.

That description of marriage is more than poetic it is appropriate to the real purpose for which marriage was established. My garden has run wild and I am in a world of hurt to try and restore it and nurture such a desolate landscape back to health. I don’t care. It’s worth the personal sacrifice and I willingly face the pain that such a struggle will require. So when I survey the surrounding fields and assess the negative influences that want to poison the soil and deprive me of the unspoiled beauty I once held in my hands I get angry and I actively root out any destructive element no matter how seemingly trite and harmless it may appear on the surface.

Articles about manipulating men are weeds and thorns that I can not allow. The same goes for any of my own thoughts that cloud my judgment and erode the straight furrows I am struggling to replant after the storms of divorce.

Women should try having the courage and strength to demonstrate their resilience in the face of their man’s objections with something called "trust" – not merely dismiss him as an obstacle and bulldoze over him if he fails to be persuaded by your need to have your way.

Read more! Don't question me [click here] - DO IT!!

I Want A Do Over

There are several congenital defects in the human heart. Their effect is immediately recognizable but their cause is undetectable. If you ask, women can swear with certainty that it is exclusively the fault of the Y-chromosome. If you ask, men will avow that there is a universal rash of behavior attributable to but denied by women. Unfortunately, one of the global symptoms shared by all of these defects is the need to find fault in others.

The impact is so pandemic while the cure so elusive that there is a general acceptance and surrender that belays discussion unless it is in private conversations or hidden in vague language. The philosopher seeks out its pathways; the artist explores it in verse, in lyric and in portraits. The great and the small struggle but find no solution. Those in pain find comfort in blaming everyone with whom they have come in contact. Those crippled or weakened may fight to regain function or find the struggle too great and succumb. Some observe the devastation which others have endured and steel themselves in an effort to prevent circumstances the opportunity to incite the condition.

But when and how and where the defects will present are beyond our control. It doesn’t matter whether one lives in solitude or indiscriminately socializes because, despite the observation that these are communicable, everyone is already a carrier. The same urges, instincts and longings drive us all with the only subtle difference being how far we are driven crazy.

This seldom stops us from asking, “Why?” I am asking quite a lot at this time in my life. The defects of which I am most curious are all about the stupefying insistence of human beings to deliberately dismiss one another. I have no real questions to the causes. I have no unsolved enigmas in the ways we conduct our malice. Where I have a lot of time invested is in why we won’t examine our resentments and bitterness to resolve them but will enthusiastically do so to reinforce them. The human race is determined to wile away its existence in futile passions.

[Insert record scratch, here]

I want a do over. I want a do over in nearly everything. That’s what made me drill down into the things that screw up relationships. I can’t get a do over unless another person gives it to me. That is the underlying problem in all human interaction. Nearly every conflict comes down to one person being willing to try again and the other person being dead set against it. This happens between nations and right on down to family members and is always foundational to a man and woman in conflict.

Historically in the majority of cases involving men and women it is men seeking the do over. This is not because men are solely at fault or necessarily the guilty party – except it seems that it is necessary as far as women are concerned. So it’s men making the pleadings for a re-trial in all of the “love” songs, romance novels, and movies. Seriously think about that. And, then also seriously evaluate that “love” appears to be something men want and women leave men wanting.

Yeah, yeah – Boo Hoo, I know. For all of the claims of women pining for that special someone no one is ever special enough. I am still going to contend that men are willing to work with a woman’s faults but women can not reciprocate. Women suffer a man’s faults. That is in no way the same thing.

The entire system is set up for a “woman’s prerogative to change her mind.” In other words, a woman will not be held to her choices, decisions, or indiscretions or be made to be accountable for her contradictory nature. Instead she is rewarded for being contrary by every aspect of the dating, courting, marriage and mating rituals. Be honest – there is a whole lot of expected ass kissing for women. Men are expected to be consistent, trustworthy, reliable, diligent, devoted – predictable. That is why a woman lashing out at a man for unsatisfactory (in her biased estimation) behavior receives what a woman believes to be her most scathing indictment, “I don’t even know who you are anymore.” If a man were to say this to a woman he would hear derisive laughter. A woman isn’t the same person within the same breath much more any extended period of time.

What this equates to is a performance-based system for relationships between the genders. It is a meritocracy whereby the man is a pawn. Love is purely conditional as far as the affections of the woman toward the man. He must make all of the proper moves in the correct sequence and even then never expect he passes muster. He will be doubted, questioned, taunted, mocked and deceived as ever the woman sees fit. The game is rigged. A man can do no better than finish and had better be damned happy and content with that. While she’s keeping the mystery she’s also keeping score.

By definition the rules guarantee that the man is constantly guilty until proven innocent. This becomes protracted to associate the onus of fault to be exclusively the man’s while the woman holds court as jury, judge and executioner. The extended consequence is that one party believes herself blameless and a victim due to her association with the man. When she tires of the game he is dismissed with a summary sentence of either, “I’ve outgrown you;” or, a personal favorite, “I don’t love you and I never loved you.” In fairness, the latter might actually be the closest to a pronouncement of truth to ever pass her lips.

So, knowing this is the game I still want a do over. I still seek reconciliation and whatever love she has to offer no matter how imperfect . What I want is the same acceptance that I offer her.

Read more! Don't question me [click here] - DO IT!!

Women SUCK - You'd think THAT'D be a GOOD thing

Reader Advisory: This is going to be one of those ugly, the gloves are off posts. To what I hope will be the majority of the female population - the ensuing observations won't apply. If you get offended then consider that it does apply to you; and, to everyone else - it definitely applies to you.

I use a convenient (ie, cheap) email provider that costs me nothing except that logging into and out of the service forces me to view a whole series of "articles" and insightful tidbits that are supposed to be designed to entice me. Most times I tell myself I am better off not clicking any of the links but like a car wreck, I just have to look. It's the electronic equivalent of the periodicals that greet you at supermarket check-out aisles. I understand the target audience and that all of these little hooks are hoping to reel in the female and gay consumers because that's where the majority of purchasing decisions are made. Men might corner the market on beer, chips, and pretzels and the other end of the extreme - one-time, large ticket items like a mid-life crisis pacifier but the real money and the majority of print advertising is elsewhere.

So every couple days I bite. I'm just as interested as many others in ways I might improve myself or enjoy a paradigm shift that will allow me to be more savvy or popular or get my teeth their whitest. Why not? Some articles are obviously for women by women and I know that going in. Those are read with the intent of seeing how close to or far off the mark I currently am in juxtaposition to the collective female psyche. It's a sort of mile marker on my journey through life. I'm OK with those articles. But, there is an entirely other series of subject matter that somehow always swings back to a galvanizing theme and it is those sorts of articles that have me looking for appropriate real estate for digging my shallow, mass grave sites.

These articles fall into what I call the "Three T's." In essence, they are always about the same thing no matter what the article is titled. That would be: How to Tempt a man; How to Trick a man; and, How to Teach a man. Of course these are also able to be combined in all sorts of titillating ways. After all, how many articles can one have on such subjects? Why as many as one may have for diets to stack beside the number of "sinful" dessert recipes, of course.

In two of the most recent gems that I read women were informed how to use their stuff to full advantage to get what they want. I always enjoy these articles the most due to the blatant hypocrisy. Here you have the misunderstood and, unappreciated martyr that is woman; an innocent soul with untapped potential that has always been taken for granted and ogled for her fleshy bits throughout the ages, taking notes on how to be ogled for her fleshy bits. Then there are the superwoman bitching articles. These are very hard for me to find amusing but what I find fascinating about these articles is they are always being preached to the choir. The only other soul that gives a damn beside the woman filing the grievance in the article is another woman that already agrees. Such columns aren't generated to open discourse between the sexes. They are designed to venerate the author. If anything it is an open campaign to foment ill will toward men. Ill will toward men is very popular.

Such cowshit is in great supply these days. And Ladies, I know it's unfathomable to you but cowshit smells just as bad as bullshit.

Do you really want an honest man's perspective? An honest man would and should be noticeably angry in the face of the current crap women are throwing his way. There are so many contradictory claims being made by women that a mirage has more substance. Most men try to jump through the hoops and learn the rules of the game to be with you. There are actually quite a few men that want more than sex - not something other than sex but more than sex. (Sex is really the ONLY thing men get as a reward for putting up with YOUR shit. Deal with it.) But, every man has his limit and eventually you will cheat at the game or change the rules one two many times and first he will stop playing and ultimately he'll be gone. For each man the limits are different but the limits are always there. A man in love will overlook as many of your faults as he can. That doesn't mean that you don't have any. Yes. Women have faults. Little itty-bitty ones and great big ones. I know for most women that will be a revelation.

If you're at all bright you will recognize that if it's a man you want in your life then it's HIS opinion that counts and not that of Cosmo or your girlfriend's or even a lot of your own opinion. I don't expect you will effortlessly take such a radical idea at face value. Too bad.

Let me give you a snapshot of the "modern" woman from the male perspective. (Insert appropriate mood music in background, say, "Wannabe," by the Spice Girls . . .)

Involvement on even the most surface level with the modern woman is like a hostage negotiation. A list of demands is painfully extracted and then the waiting game begins. There will be no direct communication and the woman expects to exercise control. There is no promise of a successful negotiation. There probably will be casualties. There definitely will be misunderstandings, threats and irrational outbursts. The man will be forced to admit wrongs have been committed that if not by him, personally, certainly by men at large. The woman will defend her choices and behavior using the wrongs done to her kind throughout history as ample justification - and the man would know this if he weren't, by nature, an insensitive bastard. All efforts to meet the demands in any reasonable way or reasonable amount of time will not go well for the man. He will be accused of dragging his feet or being insincere. The demands will change without predictable cause and effect. The woman will secretly make calls to her friends on the outside for guidance. It doesn't matter that her friends are not concerned with facts and are only accepting her perspective. The man will count how many bullets he has left to use before turning the last one on himself.

It seems that most relationships are doomed before they start. They are if a woman has expectations so idealistic that no man can achieve them. What are those expectations based upon? It would seem that the acid test for a woman's choices is whether or not she is happy. How fortunate for us men that happiness is not something elusive and is so concrete and permanently available! It's a good thing happiness isn't tied into our emotions, hormone imbalances and circumstances. That would be a terribly poor choice of conditions by which to govern our lives.

Surprisingly the efforts of the last few generations of the pursuit of happiness for women have been heralded in very male-sounding military terms under battle cries all relating to freedom from sexual oppression, no more enslavement to the will of men, give me an equal opportunity to make an equal living - basically, get out of the way. The convictions that followed these efforts all promised that once women were able to function without obstructions and traditional roles assigned by the whims of men and their patriarchal societies that all of the human race would benefit from the undeniable superiority of the female approach.

How's that working out for you?

Women now comprise the greater percentage of degrees awarded at the Masters and above levels. The higher paid spouse in an increasing number of marriages is the woman. As I mentioned earlier, women are exercising more of the purchasing muscle and the decisions that determine what is purchased. They have power. They have influence. They have respect.

Women also have many more health issues than ever before because they have now equaled men in stress-related (to job) illnesses such as heart conditions, cancers and diabetes. They are trying to still be "traditional" mommies but also work traditionally long work days outside the home. Men don't have as much value anymore seeing that what they traditionally were used for has been replaced by women. So women are frustrated as much today as they ever were in their sexual relationships and finding a soul-mate.

Some have realized that it isn't enough to talk about how useless men are and to do something about it. So these women have elected to be single mothers where the only contribution from a man is a tablespoon of sperm. Rather than change the "barbaric male" way of conducting business women have embraced it and made it their own. And, now women can rightfully be proud that they've closed the gap in another traditional category - the taking of human life. Only women showed their superiority by using abortion to exercise their rights.

Are you happy, now?

Happiness is the pursuit made by selfish children. We are constantly told about the follies associated with the male ego. Well girls, you might think your cowshit doesn't stink and that's why it's so popular to spread it far and spread it thick. Women are incredibly narcissistic these days. The whole culture resonates with it. We are being swallowed up in it. Every pop culture icon is female. Every excess and hedonistic tendency is tuned to resonate with the frenzied passions of a diva-obsessed marketplace. We are a day spa away from Nirvana if you believe the media.

All that this means is that the pendulum has certainly swung the other way from when women were popularly portrayed as dim-witted, silly little things that were nothing more than amusement and capable of only performing menial tasks to be useful. Now men are regarded as simplistic, awkward, stupid and oafish pets.

Has anybody besides me had enough?

This whole goddess/princess trip that women have sold their souls for is a travesty. We were a pathetic, Me-first society. Now we're a Me-Only cesspool. No wonder relationships don't have a chance. Look, everybody has experienced the transition from falling in love with the "I'll do anything for you/Be anything you want" attitude. We learn the painful lessons that being someone else's doormat like that teaches us. We grow smarter but also colder and more aware of protecting ourselves at the expense of isolating ourselves instead. Have a little more value in yourself, Ladies. Really. I think that's what is behind so much of this. You don't have to sell yourself. You don't have to use trickery. Men don't need to be convinced you have worth. You need to drop the conceit and the deceit.

Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about. It isn't that women lie. Women become their lies. That's what so pisses me off about those Three T's articles. At the heart of it all women want to exert influence and control. Rather than employ brutish and confrontational methods you use subliminal, subtle, psychological ploys. It is not by accident that words like scheming and conniving are instantly identified with feminine articles. Everyone lies but only women have elevated it to a science. Men make up lies after the fact. It makes them incredibly vulnerable to discovery. Women not only pre-plan their lies but conspire with their female friends so that everyone is on the same page and their stories will match. Women know when they are going to lie and cheat and have a justification for why before hand. They are so involved in the perpetuation of lies that perception becomes reality and they believe their own lies to be absolute truth. These switches women possess to compartmentalize their conscious create frightening labyrinths. Invariably, a woman is going to get caught in her own web.

I have a daughter who is only thirteen. We are separated by a great geographic distance but I took a lot of solace in the fact we seemed so close, otherwise. A few weeks ago I became party to my daughter taking a fundamental step into womanhood. She knows my concerns about boys. She knows that I want her to be safe and not lose herself while getting her heart broken navigating through unchartered waters. I have no double standard in these matters. My two sons are being told that they have no right to treat any woman differently than the way I expect their sister to be treated. In light conversation I just casually asked if she were interested in any boys. For the first time in our relationship she broke my heart. Rather than tell me the truth she told me what she knew I would want to hear. She has now learned how to lie to a man that she loves by justifying her actions as in his best interest. I want to die. I shouldn't have been so naive as to expect her to behave any differently but it still wrenched something pure from me. What I'm asking is don't do this to yourselves or do it to us. No little secrets. No lies of omission. No veil of silence.

I used to think women only wanted something when they COULDN'T have it. Now, of course, I realize I was wrong. Women want what they DON'T have . . . Because of this they're seldom happy. There is always an unsatisfied hunger. You know it is funny in a really unfunny way that women seem to want control and authority but not the blame and responsibility. Men are still good for blame. Somehow there are supposed to be men that can rescue the I-can-do-it-myself princess. If any man gets close to rescuing her from herself then she runs like hell.

A fundamental difference between boys and girls is this: Boys live for the moment and aren't too concerned beyond that. Meanwhile, Girls are never content with who they are in the moment. When they are little they want to be big. As soon as a girl is old enough to convey any of the dynamics of human expression she is on a quest to demonstrate her mastery. It's another need for control. Boys are fun. Girls are serious. The fun element never leaves men and it's a good thing because that's what makes life tolerable. The serious thing, in girls, cascades and escalates into critical. Women are sold on the superiority of sobriety. The cost is high. They're not happy. Men accept that their contribution is to make women laugh. Women grudgingly "accept the responsibility" of "helping" men "grow up." So men grow out of the moment and into always looking to the possibilities of the future. Women are too occupied with the need to take care of obligations to catch their breath. They start to look back (with a critical eye) to evaluate everything in a historical perspective. "It WAS BETTER that way . . ." What generally happens is that neither Men nor Women are living in the Now. He's off in a glorious future and she's back where it was good. My favorite example of this is what I call "The Mirror Test." A woman looks into a mirror and exclaims, 'Oh, worse than I thought." A man looks in the mirror and shrugs, "Huh. Better than I thought."

It would take actual effort and discipline and maturity on the part of both men and women to live in and enjoy the moment. I believe it's called selflessness. I think everybody that tried this would be . . . well . . . happy.

Alright. I have filed my grievances concerning bad, terrible, awful women. I hope that even if I angered you that you realize I'm not picking a fight. I'm frustrated with how absurd getting along has become. As a peace offering I am trying to be candid - not mean or insulting. I was entirely honest. You might even have gained some insights.

As a public service I offer women some real truth and direct recommendations:

Any man you can change already lost your interest and your respect and isn't going to have anything to offer of any substance since you're calling the shots. If he doesn't come out of the box the way you like - keep looking. He's not going to change and you'll eventually realize that, anyway. If it scares you that you may never find the right guy then YOU have to deal with two possibilities: 1) You're afraid to be by yourself; 2) You need to change things about yourself or get some realistic expectations.

If men are really evil incarnate to you (and I know some do qualify) and you think women are better please consider the numerous truly miserable and even hostile and bitter lesbians that would be the alternative. Things are not always ROSIE . . .

If you are keeping score - you both lose.

If the sex is good but nothing else is then why are you settling for a below average experience?

Being vulnerable and open is an incredible personal risk. It's also the hottest, most irresistible thing a woman can do. Find someone where it's an investment and not a gamble.

Be Yourself. (Not like in women's magazines where even your own mother can't recognize you.) Really. Yourself.

Desperation leads to compromise which is just another name for lying to yourself and him.

Happiness is a choice - not a destination.

Expectations KILL. Not every kiss, cup of coffee, and moment together can transport you to an out of body experience. Despite the advertisements you do know even bath oils and candles can't pull this off. And they're supposed to. Right??

Get over yourself, first.

The Male ego is incredibly fragile and so insatiable for attention. - So? If you know things about men to be true what is the big friggin' deal about just accepting it and making a little space for it instead of putting everything important to him or about him that WON'T CHANGE out in the garage?

In a relationship try not to become a snake swallowing its own tail.

There is so much more and I'm sure something else will set me off in the near future. So expect this kind of saber rattling another time.

Read more! Don't question me [click here] - DO IT!!