A New Wrinkle - The Single (Poor) Guy's Survival Kit

Tools For Living
As a public service I will endeavor to pass on the vital skills I have acquired in recent years to cope and adapt to life after the thrill is gone. When one is down and bailing out it is important to not let the urgency of the moment or the cresting waves of doubt and uncertainty cause you to make reflexive and costly decisions. Do not throw out everything not tied down simply in anticipation of adding buoyancy to your ship of hope. Do not expect to recover anything that might float after it has been discarded during your irrational panic and compulsion to try or do anything. You must catch your breath, assess your options, and methodically navigate a reasoned course.

If you find yourself needing to reduce, recycle, re-use or refuse the weathered remnants of your previous life it is best to allow as much time to pass as possible before making permanent choices. In my own situation I held onto everything left behind for a period of two years. When I prepared to move across country I used a few simple criteria to select what could be preserved and what should be discarded. I then further reduced my two categories to what would most benefit someone else by giving away the better items and ultimately what would fit in my car for the one-time trip between states. My kept items were chosen by what had practical regular use, what had been a fond memory or favorite past-time, and what had sentimental or keep-sake value. This included a few items that were the property of the ex but had been left behind symbolically to underscore the emphasis of wanting me out of her life. Spiteful actions sometimes turn to regrets and I made space to be gracious in offering small gestures of tolerance and understanding. The final category helped determine what to write-off as lost by asking the personally challenging question, “Have you used this at all in two years or even thought about it?”

All of that worked reasonably well but I have since become acquainted with other criteria as circumstances took a second spiral down the giant commode of life. I had begun to miss tools and other material objects that had been disposed of without my consent or involvement at the time of the wife’s exodus. I am particularly mourning the loss of some very expensive and specialized luthier tools – fret files and saws, nut files, scrapers, clamps, jeweler’s saw – those sorts of items. When I recently acquired an apartment it then became glaringly obvious how little I had on-hand to establish my new residence. With no furniture, kitchen appliances, utensils, cookware or place settings it was obvious I’d not be inviting anyone over anytime soon. By “anyone” I of course mean, friends. By “friends” I of course mean, women. By “women” I of course mean one woman. By “woman” I of course mean satisfied depletion of all of my pent up emotions and energy.

I’m a realist – satisfied depletion will remain an elusive dream; so from my stark assessment of my stark apartment I have assembled a survival kit. I have realized that by prioritizing the acquisition of goods with the order of multi-purpose and functional considerations as the priority I can most quickly and efficiently establish a home for myself. Think in terms of “Bang for the buck;” “Killing two birds with one stone;” or any other colloquial terminology that maximizes your efficiency for this exercise. Pragmatically speaking, the hierarchy of needs for a residence seems to be food, tools, personal hygiene, conveniences, entertainment, and decoration. My suggested approach addresses elements of at least the first four categories with a possibility of impacting the last two indirectly. By focusing on basic tools as funds allow I may positively impact the majority of my needs. The practical experience gained from this pursuit has been enlightening. It was not a discernibly direct correlation that being able to fix my car or a wall socket would also fix my life.

Here are my suggestions:

[1] A deep, molded plastic combination Toolbox/Step Stool. This is the thinking man’s ottoman. First, it houses all of the other tools for your survival kit neatly and safely and keeps them out of the way and in a known location. The stool height is more efficient and practical than a ladder for an apartment. The portability is another plus. The hidden benefit is that now you also have a chair. Instead of only having the floor for your repose you may now actually sit. Fold a blanket (also known as a bed roll) into a rectangle of several layers thick and you have a seat cushion for the rather rigid bench of the toolbox.

[2] Knives and other bladed, sharp, edged tools are obvious in function. Whether whittling a piece of wood or peeling a carrot; slicing vinyl tubing or cutting meat you’ve just saved the expense of redundant equipment.

Public Health Notice: Some may read this and be alarmed that the possibility for ingesting hazardous stuff from indiscriminately used tools is too great a risk. I argue that anyone familiar with the use of hand tools and performing their own maintenance and repairs has the foresight to clean things reasonably well and already has made a practice of regularly renewing their Tetanus booster, anyway. Risk, managed.

[3] Hacksaws are flexible devices. Every toolbox should have one. A hacksaw also makes a terrific bread knife.









[4] Files and Rasps have a straightforward application. Fingernail files are nothing more than miniaturized, cross-cut files that have been packaged to appear significant. Save the money and invest in the larger, multi-purpose variety. Your nails may actually look better due to improved leverage and control with the larger versions. They also are excellent for callous removal – or warts, for that matter. Of particular distinction in this group is the surform rasping plane. These tools make light work of body filler contouring or roughing surfaces to shape but an excellent alternative use is as a food grater.

[5] Pliers are indispensable. A slotted channel plier is adjustable to accommodate and grip large or small objects. This makes it very suitable for opening bottle caps and jar lids. This type of pliers, as well as locking pliers also make an excellent fire-proof hand for use as tongs or to hold a hot pan or pot. Since metal conducts heat you are advised to insulate the handle with shop rags or, if luxury permits, a pot holder or kitchen towel. Reaching into small diameter containers calls for the supremacy of the long-nosed pliers. If you have been careful not to splay the ends of this type it also makes a very robust tweezer.

[6] Screwdrivers should include the flat blade, Phillips and Torq style drive heads. Allen (or, Hex) Keys are also recommended but the flat blade and Phillips will not only keep the fasteners of scissors and kitchen utensils taught but may also be used to pry off lids or puncture obstinate containers when can openers are not available.

[7] A preferred but more difficult to locate tool is the Oil Can Spout. This is a tool that has become more difficult to procure due to the industry-wide replacement of cans with plastic bottles and screw caps. The steel spout has a double-edged dagger that pierces the can when pushed into the lid and then creates a very nice pouring spout, This is of sufficient diameter to allow the entire contents of thick soup stock to easily pass by.



[8] Although considered a luxury item the Hand-held Power Drill is a vital work tool. It also makes light work of other duties. In combination with either a bunched-up wire clothes hanger or a paint mixing attachment the power drill makes a wonderful kitchen mixer.






Honorable mention should be made of the Hammer, wood screw, and the Spring Clamp. The hammer is self-explanatory but it can be the persuader for vacuum-sealed lids, clumped ice, and tenderizing meat. The wood screw in combination with first a screwdriver and then locking pliers makes a suitable cork screw. Clamps answer the often frustrating quest for a third hand. Although clamps are excellent as temporary solutions they tend to become permanent repairs. Try to avoid this.


The spring clamp is the Big Daddy to the clothespin. This was readily proven only days ago when I noticed a ring had torn out of my shower curtain. Usually I would simply pierce a hole through the curtain as near as practicable to the offending flaw but I found that the accommodating spring clamp held the curtain securely against the edge of the wall and sealed off a troublesome, leaky area. The spring clamp then went on to impress me with its dexterity as a chip clip.


There you have it. I’m sure there will be other tools that will make useful additions but I am confident that with the suggested equipment listed above you will be well on your way to a return to civilized society and enjoying all of the comforts of home.