Yes. It's big of me, too

There are some things about men and the things enjoyed by men that most women just don’t get.

As just a for-instance, the male predisposition to their fanatical devotion to a sports team immediately comes to mind as well as most references to the Three Stooges or the Marx Brothers.

Here’s a classic example with Groucho Marx, as Captain Spaulding:

Captain Spaulding: “Well whadaya say girls? Are we all gonna get married?”

Mrs. Whitehead: “All of us?”

Captain Spaulding: “All of us!”

Mrs. Whitehead: “But that’s bigamy!”

Captain Spaulding: “Yes, and it’s big-a-me too.”
- From “Animal Crackers” (1930)

Margaret Dumont, was in seven Marx Brothers movies and publicly confessed to having never understood their humor on or off the set. I find myself in a similar baffled condition with the current exploration of polygamy. I’m curious to know how women feel about the attraction such an arrangement might or might not hold because I’m scratching my head about this as a man. I don’t know if I am more disturbed or intrigued.

The cult under investigation, in Texas, is not the first time the media has taken more of an amused than sober look into this issue. Several years ago there was a gentleman that took advantage of a parcel of land at the intersection of four western states. None of the surrounding states had ever staked a claim to the territory and this enterprising individual built a homestead to accommodate his fifteen wives. Seeing as no state owned the land then no state regulations forbidding polygamy applied. He also took the presumptuous position that since he was not in a state, per se, he was not bound by federal laws, either. That’s an amazing pair of huevos on an hombre happy to take on fifteen women and the United States at the same time. These fifteen women were very similar to women interviewed on a recent Oprah exposé of a Utah community of polygamists. The dozen and a quarter wives all seemed quite sane and quite satisfied with their arrangements. In the case of Huevos Grande, all of the women were well-to-do professional businesswomen – the majority being doctors and attorneys. This completely flies in the face of public expectation. I, for one, imagined most women in such a relationship were “married” at nine years of age and then never allowed to be exposed to the public.

Boy, do I have egg on my face.

But there’s more. Mrs and Mrs and Mrs and . . . Mrs and Mrs Huevos slept in dormitory-like arrangements. I’m not kidding. They slept in bunk beds, four women to a cabin.

Wow.

They also had a calendar of chores with each woman taking turns in a sort of Sweet Sixteen rotation. I don’t know if they wore nametags or had a number branded on their persons to keep things organized but the share and share alike carried right on up to whose turn it was to sleep in the “big bed.”

You see, apparently, polygamists insist their intimate times are wholly monogamous. These men are just your average one-woman-at-a-time kind of guys.

How Do I Phrase This?
The Chinese are a very ancient and wise culture. Their written language is very informative because they use simple symbols combined in unique ways to express complex dynamics of their speech as well as human thought. They are very direct and blunt, as a result. Their expressions have been honed and refined over thousands of years. Do not question the wisdom of the Chinese. An example is in order:

This is the character for a tree:

木

Combine two or three trees and, logically, you have a forest:


The Chinese are very smart.

This is a woman:




Combine two women under one roof and you have Trouble:


The Chinese are brilliant.

Oh, Yeah. The observant among you may have taken note that the character for “woman” used in the word “trouble” looks just like the representation of “forest.” The character for “tree” has the general inference of “wood” and so is related to the qualities of something made of wood – among those: “rigid” and “numb.” The Chinese are insightful.

It would appear that the majority of polygamists innately understand the inherent dangers of only two wives. In the recent interviews that I have encountered the magic number of wives is three. So, officially they are trigamists. It makes monogramming the linens more difficult but seems to make everything else run smooth as silk. The pattern that I seem to be picking up from the few candid couples . . . No, quadruples (?) openly discussing how their relationships work is that there is the traditional monogamous marriage, first. Some time after the marriage is consummated and progressing along the normal lines there becomes a mutual desire of both the man and the woman for another woman. How does this meeting of the mons, er, minds occur??? I can not even begin to imagine initiating such a proposal without anticipating loss of function in several parts of my body thus making the whole proposal moot anyway.

It gets worse. It seems that the most likely candidate to interview for the position is the wife’s sister! This is mind blowing. Sisters are generally known to be close, but not all of the time and not about sharing the same guy. Let’s face it, sisters are usually quite competitive and there is always some psychological cruelty being exhibited from one to the other. No woman wants to follow the pack unless it’s to go to the bathroom. Women hunt alone. Women want to be an exclusive. What is going on here? Curiosity or proving you’re the “better” woman just doesn’t offer enough incentive. And for a guy to risk having more than one pissed-off woman to contend with defies rational explanation no matter how promising the sex. These guys must have evolved through the mutant DNA of the praying mantis and simply expect their heads to be chewed off after mating. Or . . . they have the instincts of a fox and have taken alpha dog to a whole new level.

The Buddy System?
Women are, typically, extremely territorial. So much so that I am surprised that most do not pee on everything they claim as a way to mark ownership. (Perhaps they do?) This awareness on my part has resulted in a few sadistic little things I enjoy in the developing stages of a budding romance. This occurs during that time where I am not supposed to be aware that all of the seemingly harmless and innocuous little out-of-the-blue questions she tosses my way are actually a calculated catalogue. But, I do know what she’s up to so I exact a small toll for such trolling under the bridge being spanned between us. During any quiet moment when she is snuggled up next to me and has taken fascination with my watch I will innocently “confess” that it was a gift from an ex-lover. If my wallet is a little tired or worn? Sure; why not? That was also a gift (even if it wasn’t). This guarantees me a delicious moment of spiteful pleasure and, within twenty-four hours, a few small gift boxes with new watches, wallets and other trinkets to replace my “old ones.” I have no say in this. No sooner has the new watch been unboxed but the “old one” is torn from my wrist, never to be seen, again. Although I have never tested this for any big ticket items like a big screen TV or a car I am nevertheless curious as to whether she would clean out my garage if I could persuade her all that stuff had sentimental attachments . . .

Knowing this about the nature of the creature I think I might pay a hefty sum of money to a polygamist to learn the ways of the master. After the introductory lessons on “What is the sound of one hand slapping” perhaps I would receive enlightenment. Deadly sushi as a steady diet is still too advanced for me. But what is beyond comprehension for me is this: The third woman to join the happy trio seems to be the guy’s office crush. I don’t know how this happens, either. These seem to be guys that routinely say “Yes’ to the fleeting thoughts that go through men’s minds to which one would normally opt for “No.” Where does, “Hey, I love you but you’re sister’s interesting, too,” and, “Oh, there’s real chemistry with a co-worker . . .” ever come into the conversation of a married couple?

Wait! I think the explanation is starting to gel for me. I want to say this slowly so that I don’t lose the concept while articulating it.

These men have brought home playmates for their woman’s multiple personalities.

Rather than turn and vent on the husband the wives can either commiserate or brow beat each other into compliance. The beauty of this revelation is so eloquent. This is an epiphany! I am beginning to be illuminated by the profound nature of this discovery. It’s so elemental; so perfect. It is the Art of War applied to marriage. This is astounding! The enemy of my enemy is my friend becomes the husband of my sister is my friend’s husband is my husband. I am in the presence of genius. I need a moment . . .

It explains everything. In the interviews the men and their wives all assured the audience that these multiple partnerships were not about the sex. The women were so peaceful. They seemed content, at ease, fulfilled. They had their children and their daily routines and their husband and each other. They also seemed fairly affluent and lacking in none of the suburban niceties Americans use to define normalcy. I tended to believe them. It’s a tag team. The wives don’t have the normal domestic frustrations because they essentially have wives, too. Many hands make light the work, don’t you know. And they can definitely relate to each other. When they’re complaining about their husband they don’t have to wonder if they’re being understood. And talk about peer pressure! Who wants to be the wife that can’t hack it and threatens to leave? She’d be torn between letting down her friends and losing position among the wives. Wow; a psychological choker chain.

Hmmm. But, it’s not about the sex? I can see this, too. One wife either draws the short straw or actually happens to be in the mood. Either way, the husband is pacified and the wives return to their business with as little disturbance as possible and no hard feelings. The other thing that was fascinating with these families was the number of children. It is not an exaggeration to say each wife had at least seven children. This is where they looked like Stepford Wives because all of them had their wits and figures about them despite the constant baby production. Yet, that answers another aspect I suppose. These women like being pregnant. These are households full of uterus (uteruses, uteri?) with an itch wanting to be scratched. Many men are adamant that they want families but not too many want large families, I suppose. I guess finding a willing guy with the “minor trade-off’ of a few other breasts to feed isn’t so bad. There are a few logistical issues here, too. Women in groups tend to get on the same cycle. You want to avoid this. So, I guess strategic impregnation keeps the clocks set to different times. And pregnant women are horny women. You polygamists are sneaky devils!

Still, this leaves questions about how children raised in this environment sort it all out. Do the moms as well as the kids have secret suspicions that dad has favorites? With so many step-siblings there have to be some brother/sister crushes and other weirdness. And the chain of authority is hard to follow. Does each mom receive the same respect and obedience? Do the wives wear uniforms with stripes denoting rank? There have to be situations where a mother does not appreciate another mother disciplining her child. When a child calls for mom how many answer?

This calls to remembrance a discussion my ex-wife and I had concerning a friend. He had lost his wife to cancer and had two young daughters. This man was a fantastic father and raised his daughters, alone, for several years but he was a virile dude and wanted a lover and a mother for his kids. For a short period of time the sister of his deceased wife came to visit. My wife and I immediately noticed that there was attraction between the two of them. Such a complicated situation really had the two of them at odds as to what to do. You could visibly see them struggle to not allow their feelings to be expressed. It was agony. My wife nearly broke my ribs to get me to shut-up when I suggested that the girls might have to start referring to her as “Aunt Mommy.’ It was funny but captured the irony inherent in the situation. How bad is the Aunt Mommy problem in a polygamist home?

This post could go on and on so I’m going to wrap it up. I had tried to research to whom to credit the quote, “Once a king always a king but once a knight’s enough . . .” because it seemed anecdotal to this discussion. Unfortunately I was unable to certify the author.

However, I did come across some great quotes that could be dovetailed into my thoughts at several junctures. It would appear that, Woody Allen, has been quite prolific in the quote department on the intricacies of sexual relations. After his marriage to the adopted daughter of his lover I thought surely I would also find ‘Whose Your Daddy?” attributed to him, but alas, my search was inconclusive. So, I will conclude this entry with a series of memorable quotes.

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions." - Woody Allen

"Sex between two people is a beautiful thing. Between five, it’s fantastic." - Woody Allen

"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it." - Woody Allen

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best." - Woody Allen

"Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman." - Woody Allen

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” - Tom Clancy

“You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither.” - Steve Martin

“I believe in putting women on pedestals . . . high enough to look up their dresses.” - Steve Martin

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.” - Lynn Lavner

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.” - Sharon Stone

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” - Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." - Robert De Niro