I'd Be Taller If My Legs Were Longer

This insightful as well as seemingly obvious observation is a direct quote of my grandfather. He said it with all sincerity and no comprehension of the "Duh" factor. It was passed on to me as a family joke which was supposed to show the good natured folly of how my grandfather approached life. I adored that man and still do. I looked past the easy ridicule and understood the far deeper meaning he intended.

My grandfather meant that he had unsatisfied desires and dreams that he had identified and could even narrow the causes for his failure to achieve them to a simple thing that happened to be entirely outside his control. There is no arguing that had his legs been longer that he would, indeed, have been taller. I think what he was expressing was what went unsaid - a longing that was never realized. Somehow, in his estimation, his stature as a human being would have been enhanced if his physical stature only reflected the way he wanted to see himself, as well as be seen. I never laugh at other people's dreams and aspirations. If I had it in my powers and the wisdom to do no harm and only good by granting others their "what-ifs" I would not hesitate. So, my grandfather's words have become a sort of talisman for me.

I do not suffer his longing for height but I do hope I share other aspects of his lofty character and what may seem as small in other people's eyes makes my legs feel a little longer thanks to him. We do not get to choose into which family we are born. Our gender, ethnicity, geographical location for our entry into this world and similar things are not negotiable. The proportions and colors of our features, our mental processes and whether everything even functions are all beyond our control. So why are we so fixated on these things and wish away our lives trying to hide, modify, deny or demand acceptance of who we are? That's when I quote my grandfather's words. Whenever I catch myself or hear someone else making a case for being a victim of circumstances I remind myself that I'd be taller if my legs were longer.

Interestingly enough that always brings me up short. Because then I must really question myself as to why I believe that changing an unchangeable anything would make me a better, richer, happier me? I need to pause and honestly remind myself that I don't use what I already have. There is no reason at all to honestly believe that if I were handed my wish list of ambitions and aspirations that I would avail myself of them. I'm kidding myself to say I'd be appreciative and put in the effort. When I focus on my misery I'm wishing that my legs were longer thinking then I'd just step above my conflicts, hassles and conundrums. No I wouldn't.

I am divorced. Don't want to be. Never wanted to be. Looks like I'm going to stay divorced, too, because my ex-wife never wanted to be divorced, either, but staying with me proved the worse alternative. My various wishing for longer legs in that situation swirled around the rejection, the claims that I was somehow a victim, the hope that time and good will could make amends . . . and ultimately that the two of us, as mature people, could change fundamentally. Just yesterday a very good friend (because he tells me what I need to hear - not what I want to hear) reminded me that we do not get what we want simply because we wish for it and we do not necessarily get what we want even if we pursue it with all we've got. Whether I fight for a thing or squander the same amount of time wishing for it does not change the outcome either way. Meanwhile I am wasting this minute and this day and countless others suspended in my self-induced nightmare.

I need to stand on whatever legs I've really got - no matter whether or not they are currently able to support me. I need to stretch and exercise and use what I already (or, still) have. One of the largest obstacles for me to see around is accepting that I probably have no means to fundamentally change who I am at the core. That core guy isn't so bad but then he hasn't been introduced to very many people. He's camouflaged by everything I've used to extend myself artificially. I need to get over or at least find a way to see past the likelihood that I can not change myself in the ways my ex-wife wants or needs. I must not ask her to hold on for some metamorphosis I haven't the capacity to realize. I don't need to worry about how long my legs are for that one - I'll be be too crippled for quite some time.