I have had a wonderful life. I've also had a miserable life. I've been extremely fortunate, however, in far more ways than I have not. I am telling myself this more than I am bragging to you. The simple facts are clear that I have been blessed to be me.
Now; Somebody make me believe that.
It's not that it isn't true but my own focus has been so introspective and the gravity of my present situation has been so disproportionately increasing by orders of magnitude as to leave me mesmerized by the vortex which is trying to suck me under. I have no fixed points in time or space to allow me to get my bearings and secure any stability. I secretly LOVE this but I'm trying to be pragmatic and learn from this rather than just experience it. Yet if I were suddenly to die I would be totally fine with that.
Does this make me the eternal pessimist or realist? Am I simply looking for an escape? I know that's a component but there will be no neat and tidy little synopsis that sums up all of this. As far as the pessimist tag with which so many people hasten to brand me - get a clue. Just because I recognize that there is bad as well as good does not predispose me to negativity. I'm actually and genuinely looking to live. I just haven't done any of that in a long time. I wake up with this thought too often: "Damn." As I warm to consciousness the mind rapidly evaluates just exactly what "Damn" encompasses. It's the anecdotal summation to the death of a thousand sighs. Almost without fail I conclude that it means that I am disappointed in finding I am still breathing.
I don't believe in an afterlife - because death is only another turn of the wheel. By that I mean to say that once you ARE . . .you are. Forever and ever. I will not cease to be. The tragedy is that I will not cease to be whatever and whoever ME proves to be and that can be the frightening conclusion after death. So, I am not longing or wishing to die. I would not kill myself as I would not have any means to. That's the cruelest cut. If one believes they will terminate whatever present afflictions torment them by taking their life . . . How? . . . they have no power to cease to be. If one can not cease, entirely, then what is the point?
At first blush you might suspect that I am an anguished soul looking for redemption. I've found that. I am secure in that. That has not been an issue since my childhood. What has been an issue is my ability to observe the follies and glories of humanity but never translate what I have learned into action within myself. Almost all of my activities are a sort of anthropological experiment I conduct, with one exception. Anthropologists strive to be invisible and to observe the culture without coloring it by their presence. I deliberately seed, water and encourage the germination of my influence in social functions. Manipulative? Yes. But I am by no means a puppet master. I get strung along just as easily as everyone else.
So I am not satisfied but not necessarily does that mean I can not find happiness in the midst of strife. However, I am a person that likes to experience the limits of human emotion and interaction. I force myself into people's conversations and lives before I wait for an invitation (because it may never come). I love to be center stage. I am at once both entertaining and frustrating and I know this. I just never shy away from getting to know someone regardless of whether they share my interest.
None of that has been possible, lately. I am in a crucible of solitude. My family, long-time friends and even associates are all physically and emotionally removed from me at this time and I am suffering. I am isolated.
I am going through exploratory surgery without anesthesia and eyes wide open. That's alright. I prefer it that way. I just hope to wake up from all of this feeling whole and surrounded by those I love. Otherwise, if you have any say in the matter: Do Not Resuscitate.
1 comment:
Curious am I again. As I know you well, none of this is new to me. But I find it closer to paletteable from a little distance. And I wonder for the reason. The answer probably lies in the fact that the distance helps me to feel less responsible. Though I have discovered in the last few years that your road to freedom and realization are so close and yet so far. No one can keep you going down the road but yourself. Your troubles are the kind that would so easily be resolved in someone else, just as that someone else has troubles that you could so easily resolve.
This understanding is only learned by those who have suffered tragedy. The loss of a loved one, pain, injury in others cannot truly be understood except by those whose lives it changes. But as we grow and experience pain, we learn to admit that lack of understanding.
Thank you for the glimpse. Life is a series of our own choices and I hope for better days ahead for you. Be humble enough to learn from the past but wise enough to focus ahead. Those words are for me probably more than anyone else.
Post a Comment