Women SUCK - You'd think THAT'D be a GOOD thing

Reader Advisory: This is going to be one of those ugly, the gloves are off posts. To what I hope will be the majority of the female population - the ensuing observations won't apply. If you get offended then consider that it does apply to you; and, to everyone else - it definitely applies to you.

I use a convenient (ie, cheap) email provider that costs me nothing except that logging into and out of the service forces me to view a whole series of "articles" and insightful tidbits that are supposed to be designed to entice me. Most times I tell myself I am better off not clicking any of the links but like a car wreck, I just have to look. It's the electronic equivalent of the periodicals that greet you at supermarket check-out aisles. I understand the target audience and that all of these little hooks are hoping to reel in the female and gay consumers because that's where the majority of purchasing decisions are made. Men might corner the market on beer, chips, and pretzels and the other end of the extreme - one-time, large ticket items like a mid-life crisis pacifier but the real money and the majority of print advertising is elsewhere.

So every couple days I bite. I'm just as interested as many others in ways I might improve myself or enjoy a paradigm shift that will allow me to be more savvy or popular or get my teeth their whitest. Why not? Some articles are obviously for women by women and I know that going in. Those are read with the intent of seeing how close to or far off the mark I currently am in juxtaposition to the collective female psyche. It's a sort of mile marker on my journey through life. I'm OK with those articles. But, there is an entirely other series of subject matter that somehow always swings back to a galvanizing theme and it is those sorts of articles that have me looking for appropriate real estate for digging my shallow, mass grave sites.

These articles fall into what I call the "Three T's." In essence, they are always about the same thing no matter what the article is titled. That would be: How to Tempt a man; How to Trick a man; and, How to Teach a man. Of course these are also able to be combined in all sorts of titillating ways. After all, how many articles can one have on such subjects? Why as many as one may have for diets to stack beside the number of "sinful" dessert recipes, of course.

In two of the most recent gems that I read women were informed how to use their stuff to full advantage to get what they want. I always enjoy these articles the most due to the blatant hypocrisy. Here you have the misunderstood and, unappreciated martyr that is woman; an innocent soul with untapped potential that has always been taken for granted and ogled for her fleshy bits throughout the ages, taking notes on how to be ogled for her fleshy bits. Then there are the superwoman bitching articles. These are very hard for me to find amusing but what I find fascinating about these articles is they are always being preached to the choir. The only other soul that gives a damn beside the woman filing the grievance in the article is another woman that already agrees. Such columns aren't generated to open discourse between the sexes. They are designed to venerate the author. If anything it is an open campaign to foment ill will toward men. Ill will toward men is very popular.

Such cowshit is in great supply these days. And Ladies, I know it's unfathomable to you but cowshit smells just as bad as bullshit.

Do you really want an honest man's perspective? An honest man would and should be noticeably angry in the face of the current crap women are throwing his way. There are so many contradictory claims being made by women that a mirage has more substance. Most men try to jump through the hoops and learn the rules of the game to be with you. There are actually quite a few men that want more than sex - not something other than sex but more than sex. (Sex is really the ONLY thing men get as a reward for putting up with YOUR shit. Deal with it.) But, every man has his limit and eventually you will cheat at the game or change the rules one two many times and first he will stop playing and ultimately he'll be gone. For each man the limits are different but the limits are always there. A man in love will overlook as many of your faults as he can. That doesn't mean that you don't have any. Yes. Women have faults. Little itty-bitty ones and great big ones. I know for most women that will be a revelation.

If you're at all bright you will recognize that if it's a man you want in your life then it's HIS opinion that counts and not that of Cosmo or your girlfriend's or even a lot of your own opinion. I don't expect you will effortlessly take such a radical idea at face value. Too bad.

Let me give you a snapshot of the "modern" woman from the male perspective. (Insert appropriate mood music in background, say, "Wannabe," by the Spice Girls . . .)

Involvement on even the most surface level with the modern woman is like a hostage negotiation. A list of demands is painfully extracted and then the waiting game begins. There will be no direct communication and the woman expects to exercise control. There is no promise of a successful negotiation. There probably will be casualties. There definitely will be misunderstandings, threats and irrational outbursts. The man will be forced to admit wrongs have been committed that if not by him, personally, certainly by men at large. The woman will defend her choices and behavior using the wrongs done to her kind throughout history as ample justification - and the man would know this if he weren't, by nature, an insensitive bastard. All efforts to meet the demands in any reasonable way or reasonable amount of time will not go well for the man. He will be accused of dragging his feet or being insincere. The demands will change without predictable cause and effect. The woman will secretly make calls to her friends on the outside for guidance. It doesn't matter that her friends are not concerned with facts and are only accepting her perspective. The man will count how many bullets he has left to use before turning the last one on himself.

It seems that most relationships are doomed before they start. They are if a woman has expectations so idealistic that no man can achieve them. What are those expectations based upon? It would seem that the acid test for a woman's choices is whether or not she is happy. How fortunate for us men that happiness is not something elusive and is so concrete and permanently available! It's a good thing happiness isn't tied into our emotions, hormone imbalances and circumstances. That would be a terribly poor choice of conditions by which to govern our lives.

Surprisingly the efforts of the last few generations of the pursuit of happiness for women have been heralded in very male-sounding military terms under battle cries all relating to freedom from sexual oppression, no more enslavement to the will of men, give me an equal opportunity to make an equal living - basically, get out of the way. The convictions that followed these efforts all promised that once women were able to function without obstructions and traditional roles assigned by the whims of men and their patriarchal societies that all of the human race would benefit from the undeniable superiority of the female approach.

How's that working out for you?

Women now comprise the greater percentage of degrees awarded at the Masters and above levels. The higher paid spouse in an increasing number of marriages is the woman. As I mentioned earlier, women are exercising more of the purchasing muscle and the decisions that determine what is purchased. They have power. They have influence. They have respect.

Women also have many more health issues than ever before because they have now equaled men in stress-related (to job) illnesses such as heart conditions, cancers and diabetes. They are trying to still be "traditional" mommies but also work traditionally long work days outside the home. Men don't have as much value anymore seeing that what they traditionally were used for has been replaced by women. So women are frustrated as much today as they ever were in their sexual relationships and finding a soul-mate.

Some have realized that it isn't enough to talk about how useless men are and to do something about it. So these women have elected to be single mothers where the only contribution from a man is a tablespoon of sperm. Rather than change the "barbaric male" way of conducting business women have embraced it and made it their own. And, now women can rightfully be proud that they've closed the gap in another traditional category - the taking of human life. Only women showed their superiority by using abortion to exercise their rights.

Are you happy, now?

Happiness is the pursuit made by selfish children. We are constantly told about the follies associated with the male ego. Well girls, you might think your cowshit doesn't stink and that's why it's so popular to spread it far and spread it thick. Women are incredibly narcissistic these days. The whole culture resonates with it. We are being swallowed up in it. Every pop culture icon is female. Every excess and hedonistic tendency is tuned to resonate with the frenzied passions of a diva-obsessed marketplace. We are a day spa away from Nirvana if you believe the media.

All that this means is that the pendulum has certainly swung the other way from when women were popularly portrayed as dim-witted, silly little things that were nothing more than amusement and capable of only performing menial tasks to be useful. Now men are regarded as simplistic, awkward, stupid and oafish pets.

Has anybody besides me had enough?

This whole goddess/princess trip that women have sold their souls for is a travesty. We were a pathetic, Me-first society. Now we're a Me-Only cesspool. No wonder relationships don't have a chance. Look, everybody has experienced the transition from falling in love with the "I'll do anything for you/Be anything you want" attitude. We learn the painful lessons that being someone else's doormat like that teaches us. We grow smarter but also colder and more aware of protecting ourselves at the expense of isolating ourselves instead. Have a little more value in yourself, Ladies. Really. I think that's what is behind so much of this. You don't have to sell yourself. You don't have to use trickery. Men don't need to be convinced you have worth. You need to drop the conceit and the deceit.

Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about. It isn't that women lie. Women become their lies. That's what so pisses me off about those Three T's articles. At the heart of it all women want to exert influence and control. Rather than employ brutish and confrontational methods you use subliminal, subtle, psychological ploys. It is not by accident that words like scheming and conniving are instantly identified with feminine articles. Everyone lies but only women have elevated it to a science. Men make up lies after the fact. It makes them incredibly vulnerable to discovery. Women not only pre-plan their lies but conspire with their female friends so that everyone is on the same page and their stories will match. Women know when they are going to lie and cheat and have a justification for why before hand. They are so involved in the perpetuation of lies that perception becomes reality and they believe their own lies to be absolute truth. These switches women possess to compartmentalize their conscious create frightening labyrinths. Invariably, a woman is going to get caught in her own web.

I have a daughter who is only thirteen. We are separated by a great geographic distance but I took a lot of solace in the fact we seemed so close, otherwise. A few weeks ago I became party to my daughter taking a fundamental step into womanhood. She knows my concerns about boys. She knows that I want her to be safe and not lose herself while getting her heart broken navigating through unchartered waters. I have no double standard in these matters. My two sons are being told that they have no right to treat any woman differently than the way I expect their sister to be treated. In light conversation I just casually asked if she were interested in any boys. For the first time in our relationship she broke my heart. Rather than tell me the truth she told me what she knew I would want to hear. She has now learned how to lie to a man that she loves by justifying her actions as in his best interest. I want to die. I shouldn't have been so naive as to expect her to behave any differently but it still wrenched something pure from me. What I'm asking is don't do this to yourselves or do it to us. No little secrets. No lies of omission. No veil of silence.

I used to think women only wanted something when they COULDN'T have it. Now, of course, I realize I was wrong. Women want what they DON'T have . . . Because of this they're seldom happy. There is always an unsatisfied hunger. You know it is funny in a really unfunny way that women seem to want control and authority but not the blame and responsibility. Men are still good for blame. Somehow there are supposed to be men that can rescue the I-can-do-it-myself princess. If any man gets close to rescuing her from herself then she runs like hell.

A fundamental difference between boys and girls is this: Boys live for the moment and aren't too concerned beyond that. Meanwhile, Girls are never content with who they are in the moment. When they are little they want to be big. As soon as a girl is old enough to convey any of the dynamics of human expression she is on a quest to demonstrate her mastery. It's another need for control. Boys are fun. Girls are serious. The fun element never leaves men and it's a good thing because that's what makes life tolerable. The serious thing, in girls, cascades and escalates into critical. Women are sold on the superiority of sobriety. The cost is high. They're not happy. Men accept that their contribution is to make women laugh. Women grudgingly "accept the responsibility" of "helping" men "grow up." So men grow out of the moment and into always looking to the possibilities of the future. Women are too occupied with the need to take care of obligations to catch their breath. They start to look back (with a critical eye) to evaluate everything in a historical perspective. "It WAS BETTER that way . . ." What generally happens is that neither Men nor Women are living in the Now. He's off in a glorious future and she's back where it was good. My favorite example of this is what I call "The Mirror Test." A woman looks into a mirror and exclaims, 'Oh, worse than I thought." A man looks in the mirror and shrugs, "Huh. Better than I thought."

It would take actual effort and discipline and maturity on the part of both men and women to live in and enjoy the moment. I believe it's called selflessness. I think everybody that tried this would be . . . well . . . happy.

Alright. I have filed my grievances concerning bad, terrible, awful women. I hope that even if I angered you that you realize I'm not picking a fight. I'm frustrated with how absurd getting along has become. As a peace offering I am trying to be candid - not mean or insulting. I was entirely honest. You might even have gained some insights.

As a public service I offer women some real truth and direct recommendations:

Any man you can change already lost your interest and your respect and isn't going to have anything to offer of any substance since you're calling the shots. If he doesn't come out of the box the way you like - keep looking. He's not going to change and you'll eventually realize that, anyway. If it scares you that you may never find the right guy then YOU have to deal with two possibilities: 1) You're afraid to be by yourself; 2) You need to change things about yourself or get some realistic expectations.

If men are really evil incarnate to you (and I know some do qualify) and you think women are better please consider the numerous truly miserable and even hostile and bitter lesbians that would be the alternative. Things are not always ROSIE . . .

If you are keeping score - you both lose.

If the sex is good but nothing else is then why are you settling for a below average experience?

Being vulnerable and open is an incredible personal risk. It's also the hottest, most irresistible thing a woman can do. Find someone where it's an investment and not a gamble.

Be Yourself. (Not like in women's magazines where even your own mother can't recognize you.) Really. Yourself.

Desperation leads to compromise which is just another name for lying to yourself and him.

Happiness is a choice - not a destination.

Expectations KILL. Not every kiss, cup of coffee, and moment together can transport you to an out of body experience. Despite the advertisements you do know even bath oils and candles can't pull this off. And they're supposed to. Right??

Get over yourself, first.

The Male ego is incredibly fragile and so insatiable for attention. - So? If you know things about men to be true what is the big friggin' deal about just accepting it and making a little space for it instead of putting everything important to him or about him that WON'T CHANGE out in the garage?

In a relationship try not to become a snake swallowing its own tail.

There is so much more and I'm sure something else will set me off in the near future. So expect this kind of saber rattling another time.