Thread Bare - Awake and Miserable

It is a little after two in the morning and I find myself awake, anxious and randomly tripping over my thoughts. I have no words or cogitations in order and am really wishing I knew who I have among those I know to talk to at this time of day.

The periods of this cycle of running out of inspiration and hope are becoming closer in frequency and that is not a good prognosis for future success. I have various thoughts that I do not express for the expectation I would be put on a vigil for those with suicidal tendencies. I actually am not at all that way inclined but my thoughts would belie any tendered argument. I am not afraid of death and bored with life. I truly lack inspiration for nearly anything anymore.

Despite the arrogance of the statement, I shall express it, anyway. I have had the best I am going to receive from this world and in this life and I am certain I have no real chance of falling in among a true group of peers. I am not like anyone else I have encountered although the multifaceted aspects of my personality have many people identifying with elements of me and laying claim that, "You are just like me." It would be obvious and even welcome if I truly were like others. I have mentioned in this blog, before, I struggle to conform while others struggle to uniquely set themselves apart. Now, I simply struggle.

Also weighing upon my mind is concern for a very loved friend that lives very far from me. I have not heard from her or anything about her well-being in several months. I can find no word on her and it is troubling. She and I are very different but I feel she knows me best. A fascinating thing for me to admit but also why I miss her so. Because I cannot make contact with her I have grave worries about her and I feel I am failing her.

I have already lost one friend similar to her in importance to me. There was a wonderful woman that I would have died for, but instead, passed away after years in a coma when I could not even find her or be allowed to visit her. I fear. I fear that something similar is happening now. How I hope that I am wrong.

So I carry this burden for my lost friend and I cling to the hope that my ultimate fears are not realized both for her and myself. I have long anticipated a day when it would be realized I am not in my right mind. That, I will simply "snap" and all will instantly realize I will need to be institutionalized. I believe I am well on the path that could trigger just such an event. I am nearly destitute and soon could live out my nightmare of being found homeless and possibly even incarcerated and having then gone all the way to rock bottom. I feel impressed with a certainty that I have yet to fully experience the humiliating shame and public ridicule that seems to be my destiny. Yes. There is vanity in dreading being further mortified and allowing my detractors a festival celebrating my ultimate comeuppance. But, I am seriously haunted and taunted by such thoughts. I am not winning. I am barely holding on and even as I do so with all of my fervor - I am losing ground daily.