Rags to Riches . . . or Ruins?

I am back after a long hiatus. I had (re)cycled through my musings and grown bored with myself. As a public service, I discontinued blogging. Instead I followed the advice of a friend suggesting a departure from my routine. That resulted in pursuit of a degree which I am only 15 credit hours shy of completing. So some progress has been made. I have done quite well in my course work but nothing in my economic status has changed other than accruing more debt from student loans. I may continue with yet another degree on the heels of completing this one. That is a pending decision.
So, a quick status update is on order:
• I gained weight/lost a good amount/gained most back . . am now losing, again.
• Not yet returned to a full-time job.
• Not able to secure a part-time job.
• Almost out of the woods on my credit smudges that preclude consideration for hire.
• I gained several new friends that are dispersed around the globe but are closer than my immediate community and previous acquaintances.
• I retained all of my true friends and am glad that poor judgment only applied to other areas of my life.
• I continue to be supported and kept fed and sheltered by these friends.
• I have some contact with my children but have still not been in the same space with them for over six years.
• I am closer to my own parents and wish I was taking care of them rather than them me.
• I had a friends with benefits relationship that was her idea - not mine. I will say that it put a lingering smile on my face and brought temporary clarity akin to the fitting of a new eye glass prescription. It did not last and opened an area I had successfully suppressed. Bothersome.
• I remain gravely single and this is not from emotional scarring, mistrust of women, or other such non-sense. It is purely from a lack of means - both financial and transportation-related. I am simply not free to come and go as I need to much less as I would please. This, and this only, prevents me screwing myself up further by returning to dating and mingling.
I suppose I consider my circumstances to be a cocoon from which I will eventually feel inspired to struggle free and not realize how I have changed from when I entered it. Age is advancing, though, and time is another thing that I do not have in surplus. However, most days my circumstances are more like living in a box, sealed on all sides. With no light from outside, I can only be certain of "up," and "down" but nothing that confirms whether I am moving left, right, forward, or backward. All persons and conditions outside of my confined space are hidden from me. Sounds are muted, dangers and rewards are unknown. I have to trust in the muffled encouragement and directions of those outside the box and also determine which voices are reliable from those merely amused, blindly optimistic, or malicious. I have yet to tumble any further down but neither have I advanced. So many have insisted I have been just a little while away from "things" turning around" for the past five years but I also am near persuaded things are changing. There is just no measure to determine whether the changes will bring riches or ruin.

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Laundry Day - Loose Ends and Frayed Seams

Today was not all that bad. There were several moments of measurable, if not significant, progress and I was productive overall. There were some events that had been anticipated but were not as disappointing or dismal when they did occur. I am in good spirits.

The least satisfying was finding that my business partner and I did not win a very worthwhile bid on a contracted job. As the outcome was decided on whim more than on the original criteria under which we bid, I find I have some expectations that we may actually have been favored by not winning the contract. We might, in fact, have dodged a painful and likely expensive bullet of working against a shifting standard and expectations. The downside is we both so NEEDED that bid to be ours. We are both in a hard-pressed and pretty dire set of circumstances that only money remedies.

We are both scrambling to make our bills for the end of this month/beginning of next. It will be harrowing to say the least. But, this might afford me other opportunities. I certainly remain optimistic but I would rather have the "problems"associated with too much success rather than hardly any at all as is presently the case.

Several irons are now in the fire and two have been in just long enough to be warming to a cheery glow. Both were initiated by others to include me. I am a willing partner rather than instigator (in some online projects) with one friend and composing and playing music with another. The creative juices are making a tenuous attempt at returning and I am still more of a spectator than participator in their struggles to stand under their own power. I am enjoying this but so longing to be earning a living wage. All ideas to this point have flickered but not caught fire, sadly.

So, this was a deliberate effort to not sound like I am waiting only to die and cursing each breath. I am regrouping and gaining strength to REALLY complain another day! still no real companions and only obligations but I press on.

Read more! Don't question me [click here] - DO IT!!

Laundry Day - No. 2, Anticipation Is Making Me Wait

It’s time for another post of odds and ends. I’ve been distracted – having all of my energies diverted to the decorating of another blog. I’d tell you about it but then I would betray my secret identity. Besides, Blogger’s robots decided I was generating a spam blog and locked me out until at least the end of the business week. Many objectionable remarks spewed from my lips when I found that I could not even edit the layout. That almost formed the basis of my next post but then the angry/whiny thing has been done way too much in the short life of this little internet wall of graffiti.

So good citizens of Earth, I am back. I do have my loyal tribe of regular readers to consider. (I think I may have all of four regularly reading and even commenting.) Today I will simply get a few things out into space.

I am still without work. That’s now been four months.

At least I’m losing weight.

I have all the time in the world to exercise and otherwise tweak and improve me – Nope. Against my religious beliefs, apparently.

Like Jerry Lewis has France, I have my most loyal following in South Africa. I win twice, because:

1 - France sucks which South Africa well knows, and,
2 - I’m not Jerry Lewis.

I win three times because the people I’m hearing from and reading about on their own blogs from South Africa are either sadistic axe murderers disguising their true personalities through fictitious blog posts or really nice people. (I have my suspicions about Luke . . .) A truly wizened man would direct the authorities to keep closer tabs on Helen. Women can’t be that nice; can they?

A related bone of contention – there have been several more visitors than have bothered to comment on anything. I believe that proper blog etiquette includes making even the most gratuitous of comments upon visiting someone’s blog so that they know there are real live people checking them out. Also, scroll down a page when you visit and see if there may have been something placed there with just you in mind. I think people skim too much. Now, on my site that is understandable because I write way too much.

Continuing to write way too much and too much information . . .

I have had a protruding callous develop on my right index finger that became a bunker to hide a small plantar wart from my fastidious personal hygiene regimen. I have attacked it with acid again and again. Finally, today I had enough and declared open season. After a refreshing and seldom performed ritual of a soak in a hot tub (Hey! I shower usually, just so you know) I attacked the weakened structure of that callous with a good coarse metal file. Yes I did. I took that sucker down and hopefully out for good. No underlying bone or soft tissue was harmed in the rasp attack. Why would I do that? Because I am left-handed I have always felt more comfortable playing stringed instruments opposite the norm. Imagine that . . . just another way in which I go against the grain. So the reason I am not a monster guitarist was because that callous/wart was adversely impacting my barre chords. Or it could be I’m not a monster guitarist because I don’t practice. Or, never bothered to memorize the major and minor scales. Or, because every one of my guitars is right-handed or in pieces at the moment. Or, it could be I’m just lazy and undisciplined . . ? Naaah. I’m going to have to go with the wart.

Which brings us to today’s theme of anticipation making me wait. There are so many areas of my life where if the ball had bounced another way the difference would be phenomenal. Now I am not one to subscribe to being a victim of Fate. I used to date her younger sister, Circumstance. I have resigned myself to less in everything. All of my own doing. Nobody’s fault but mine. No big, bad woman broke my heart and left me this way and neither can a big, bad woman rescue me. I had a few small-time pricks trip me or kick me while I was down but none of that has any bearing on right now. I’m just not enthused about the living thing anymore. That’s what it comes down to at this point. I am not in anticipation of any new adventure, experience, relationship or discovery to get me all energized to get up and get busy. I’m waiting on the anticipation without any anticipation.

Pick up the guitar – nothing. Go out and see a movie? Maybe later. Exercise and get myself healthy and happy in preparation for something new? Naah. Dream up some new plan for my future? Why?

Where’s the stimulus? Where are the signs of life? I need to stumble onto something fresh because anything I manufacture seems stale. Maybe I’ll coin a new term for this. How about “postmature” ejaculation?

Read more! Don't question me [click here] - DO IT!!